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Few Blog Posts from the past: Back on Our Dear Readers Demand:

Year:2008

Tomorrow onwards I start working in an open office. During renovation, the old traditional layout is being changed from a cabin (large rooms equal to or bigger than a living room) to medium sized cubicles and work stations. It looks impressive since the office is renovated. But it is only partially complete and the full looks with atrium and all other things would get ready in the next few months. So the full impact would be felt when the office is fully renovated. It would be a transformation worthy of notice-perhaps equivalent to an expensive cosmetic corporate surgery.

The first feature that I observe is that the Personal Computer occupies the pride of position, It is kept smack in the middle of the working area and the chair faces it. It seems as though the main function of most employees is staring hard at the computer almost the entire day. It is perhaps equivalent to keeping a note counting machine on every banker’s table as every banker ultimately deals with money. My belief is that computer is one of the tools we use in the course of our work. It could be a vital tool or an accessory (like a belt or a tie) depending on the individual and his position in the hierarchy. But that seems to be the accepted concept today. I am reminded of the cattle shed in some parts of Mumbai (Tabela in local language) where the cattle is tied and faces a trough containing the feed. Unlike human beings they are not let out as there is no space for grazing in Mumbai.

The second striking aspect is the positioning. The consultant informed us that the concept is that there should not be eye contact from one work station to another. This reinforces the concept that though other human beings are close by, they are mainly distraction to be avoided. So though they are visible and audible, ignore them and ensure that they are able to ignore you. So no loud conversation to spouse on buying evening’s requirement (she would come late, so pick up children, and keep dhal ready etc.), mouthing childish and sweet words or threatening words to growing and troublesome kids (do Maths home work beta, is the Hindi homework over, didn’t I tell you to…), romance within or outside office.

The third striking aspect is the mobile phone with varying ring tones. I recall a senior executive well past retirement age having the ring tone of Dhoom going off when he was making a serious point at an important meeting. They can be quite annoying. When someone else has a ringtone identical to yours, then you could get irritated thinking how could he have the same ring tone. So what would result after few days of annoyance is more subdued ring tone and many executives walking up and down the corridor murmuring into the telephone looking serious and sometimes focused clearly on domestic issues ( mama, I told you it is not possible this week….., did the plumber come? has the maid come and cleaned baba’s school dress?)

The fourth would be learning new techniques on seeming busy on important assignments while doing nothing. But that perhaps would not be difficult to any Indian working person.

Now, I wonder who invented work station. The word “work station” seems to give an impression of a temporary halting place – like railway station- and not a place where we spent a large portion of our waking time. It sounds like a station for working and nothing more. Perhaps it is an American usage where most things are impersonal – even family relationships. Every child is expected to have a separate room. A parent cannot go into his grown up children’s room without permission. So places without privacy are perhaps temporary habitats by their standards.

So off tomorrow to the new working station. Let me see how all of us working there fare. My hunch is that some of my colleagues could complain and look back to the glorious past and identify the fault lines loudly.

Open Office – Part2

It is nearly a year since I wrote the last blog. During that time, I visited Bhutan. It is an out of the way place for Indian tourists. I enjoyed it. My wife told me recently that she now appreciated the stillness of some of the places we visited in Bhutan. If anyone is interested to know more, do write to me. I have kept a diary of this visit and good photos also. If you enjoy chill climate in summer, seeing deep valleys, winding roads, waterfalls etc. then this is the place. It is not that expensive also.

My grandson put in 11 more eventful months to his 9 months of existence. The growth in the first three years of existence is said to be more that what happens in thirty years of existence in the later part of human life. So he started walking, communicating, speaking few words and being utterly mischievous. He has a lovely smile, which I am sure will break the hearts of many maidens who are yet to be born. He gave us a new perspective to life and living.

The open office grew on me. I became comfortable listening to the daily menu communicated by my office neighbor to the cook. I came to know the calling tunes of most colleagues. The older the person, the more dashing is the caller tune. Older persons do not change caller tune. The younger generation love change and that includes caller tunes also.

Most telephone conversations are conducted in loud tones. Except when confidential calls come, then everyone is capable of whispering on phone. The difficulty arises in concentrating on reading lengthy documents when the atmosphere around resembles a railway station. Then I remember Hindu philosophy which expects us to concentrate irrespective what the outside world resembles.

Share market crashed in an unbelievable manner. Many of us saw lot of paper wealth being extinguished on a daily basis. There is a muted recovery now. None of us are confident this would sustain or reach the old heights. Still some rise in Sensex is comforting.

What are most disturbing are job losses. For the first time in my 33 years of working life, I am seeing middle and junior level officers and executives losing jobs due to economic down turn. Management graduates are not getting placements even when they belong to good or great Institutions. This has never happened in the past. The situation in non metros is said to be equally bad. Small and medium enterprises are having great difficulties in surviving. I am not sure what is the level of job losses or erosion, but it is bound to be significant.

I had a lingering suspicion about IT related jobs as I could not fathom how far an average IT engineer would travel in his career. As a person coming from administrative side of business, I felt they would plateau out fast. Today’s scenario seems to confirm my belief that an IT person needs to contribute significantly to business to progress beyond the Rs. 25/30 lacs hurdle. Am I right? I would love some feedback on this rather instinctive rather than informed view.

USA has lost its charm for many Indians. The risk of being unemployed in a foreign country is frightening. India at least offers some kind of security within the bosom of the family or its extended version. Any way we are used to misery, somehow we will pull on. Would a father consider giving a qualified girl based in India to an IT bridegroom based in USA today without some qualms? Hard to say.

Why did I absent myself from blogs? Well, the creative urge dried up. I could not dream of something to write. I started and then left it midway. Today I decided I will scrawl something. I will be encouraged if I get 3 comments or criticisms or feedback. Does a person write for own satisfaction or for someone else to read, appreciate/criticise? I think both.

So, what do you say?

Let me know your views on the same

Anjeneyan

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Personal Trip Clicks

Bringing up children: Part 1: The Journey Begins:
 

Bringing Up Children

Every union should produce results. Progeny is one of the results of marriage- at least an expected result. Every newly married couple face overt or covert questions about their “plans”. Any delay beyond 3 years causes great consternation to the families of the couple first and then finally to the couple. All this creates a psychological need to have a child or children.

The initial clarity during the mating period of waiting for few years, settling in respective careers, purchase of dwelling etc. may have been achieved or could be in process. But now the need for a child becomes supreme. The conception takes place. I have a vague impression that women do have hesitation or some apprehensions about the entire pregnancy and delivery process. Most males disregard these apprehensions and the emotional and psychological coercion is enough for the women to cross this hurdle. The child arrives. Respective in laws troop in with broad smiles and a realisation of being grand parents.

Those who become grand parents before reaching the age of 60, mentally tell themselves that “we are like students who pass CA or IIT Entrance in first attempt while others who still troop to school with their children or run around for admissions to colleges are slow starters. But we are young grandparents. Old age associated with the status of being grandparents is not applicable to us”. Mothers are conferred an almost divine status in India.

One story I heard in justification of this status is something like this. One young student questioned placing mother first in the statement “Mata, pita, guru, deivam.”

The guru who was smart delayed the reply. After a few days, the guru asked the student to take a brick, tie it around his waist and go to the well and fetch water several times. The well was obviously at some distance. After the student got exhausted, the guru informed the student that a pregnant mother carries the child similarly for nine months and hence they get this status.

A typical Indian story which justifies the age old statement. Western civilisation has not placed such exalted status on parents. Probably they are seen as the medium thru which the life is created on the earth and the medium is like a vessel we use for cooking. The food is more important than the vessel. The mother now gets to see the life which was floating around in her belly. She is initially wonder struck. Then the awareness sinks in about her primary responsibility. Feeding a child at 12.30 am or 4 am is not something any human being can get excited about for weeks and months. The excitement of working as an executive in an air conditioned office is more palpable than cleaning a baby who will learn sanitary habits after some years. She wonders “God, why does any one say all this is exciting?”. The situation of Indians who have emigrated to middle east or USA etc. is even more difficult. These countries have strict laws for child care. Some countries insist on full time attendant till one year of age (this is what I understand).

The role of father at this stage is crucial. Few have any prior experience. They are forced to learn by trial and error. Many families erroneously do not educate their sons to be aware of basic domestic chores. So they land up in family life without any knowledge of the drudgery involved in maintaining a house in a nuclear family. I believe that it is at this stage the next foundation of family life is laid. Couple who work together (whether both are employed or only one is employed) and share responsibilities build a stronger edifice of their marriage.

The children watch and instinctively understand how their family lives and adapt accordingly. If the responsibilities get shifted to outside family members like in-laws or servants, then the pattern changes. We see distorted behaviour from the children.  Excessive tantrums, need to seek attention of one or both the parents whenever they are present, inability to mix or be comfortable in a large group are some of the visible external symptoms. I cannot claim any memory of my two children’s early years. It all seems to be a blur now. When I watch my grandson grow, I feel a twinge of regret at not noticing and storing these memories at least in the brain. Cameras were expensive then and so there are few photos of those times.

Now Picasa contains a few hundred or thousand photos of various antics of my grand son. Most mothers would tell you that the first three years of the child are difficult but rewarding. Creation of life and its growth is still one of the greatest wonder in this world. The efforts we put in these early years yield visible results.

The exuberance of the child, its curiosity in exploring the world around it, lack of any fear or knowledge of danger gives the greatest pleasure. One of the memorable photos of my grandson (when he was less than a year) is his smile when he turns around to look at me before trying to pluck the AC plug from the socket. Today’s world does not give any educated person the time or privilege to think on such things.

Success brings its own material rewards and satisfaction. It requires great courage to step aside from such a path to enjoy such pleasures. Children demand lot of emotional attention. Our city life drains out our quota of Emotional Quotient leaving little for our family. This is where the distance with children/family starts building up.

Bringing up Children – Part 2: When do children grow up?

Perhaps when they start asking questions about the life we lead. Children consciously or unconsciously imitate parents in the early stages. At some point they question us- do we have to pray everyday? Do we have to write homework at 7.30 every day?

Cant’ we have the toy or something else his or her friend has? Slowly we have to set the boundaries within which we have to live. How does a parent explain that they cannot afford a particular expense as it is beyond them? I remember such a situation when my daughter asked for legitimate expense and I could not afford it at that time. I do not think I gave a correct answer. There is always a debate between quality time and quantity time devoted to children. In a traditional family, the father went to office to make a living and mother looked after the hearth. So father’s time was quality time. Children’s bondage with father was perhaps limited due to the then prevailing environment. This is evident from some of the movies we see of the 60s and 70s in any Indian language.

Today, with both parents employed in many cases, the distance or closeness could be the same. My belief is that children react well to a relationship where the parents are capable of receiving the confidences of their children. They should trust their parents sufficiently enough to exchange their innermost fears and receive emotional and physical support.

This is more easily said than done. This requires a long period of communication at a seemingly equal level without losing the basic authority as parents. Today’s parents do assist in homework, projects, exams and other burdens of today’s schooling process. Do they gain their children’s confidence in this process is a moot point. I saw one TV Debate program on parent’s involvement in their children post school education- Science or commerce, engineering or medicine and so on.

The program had parents and children on opposite sides of the debate. The vehemence of the children on the negative influence of parents on compelling choice of the education stream was quite an eye opener. The education expert – a college principal- said that we should trust over children with the choice they make and not second guess them. They generally know what they want and we should guide them only when they start expressing their doubts or seek help.

My wife has an interesting view on how teenagers and young adults fall in love. She says that when the children lack emotional support or live in an emotional vacuum in the house, they seek an alternative outside the house. This is how love develops. In many cases, this seems to be true. I have seen children whose parents live in a different era and perhaps are not able to relate to their children’s emotional demands. Parents live in an orthodox yesterday era- where passbooks are reconciled on monthly basis, eating out should be out sheer necessity, new dresses are purchased for birthday,  Deepavali and school re-opening.

Marriage anniversary means visit to the nearby temple and then going to office. For children, Mcdonald is a fashion statement to be made, Coffee Day is THE PLACE to be seen wearing a jeans and latest tops with members of opposite sex. Spending a few hundred rupees on such an outing is normal. Would we have spent the equivalent of Rs 450 for our birthday party (what is party by the way?) say 35 years or 25 years back? I am told this is quite normal today. Cafe Coffee Day is the place for a small birth day party- the Cappucino costs not less than Rs. 30 or Rs. 35 per cup.

It is in such environment that love blossoms. If not love, at least rebellion against the ESTABLISHMENT. Long hair, awful looking half pants or three quarter pants, odd upper garments, skin hugging dresses which give quite the opposite message of the person’s character ( an otherwise timid person may look like today’s starlet in some youth oriented movie).  Is falling in love wrong ? (QSQT with Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla or Jane tu with Imran Khan to quote a more modern example).

No, love is a beautiful emotion without which life is not worth living. But falling in love at the age of 18 or 21 seems premature- especially in Indian context. Everything is a struggle here- unlike abroad. Choice of educational stream, admissions, quality of teaching, post graduate education, employment, choice of city or town or metro for employment, accommodation, transport- basic things in life which are taken for granted abroad, pose insurmountable problems for most young adults. Love seems to be a needless distraction in such an environment.

Take admission for engineering, Medicine or any other such professional courses as an example. Each State has got its own peculiarity. Every year there is some litigation to arrest or mar the admission process at the penultimate stage. There is some Government subsidy for such education, but there is something called private college also. In such an environment, the parent struggles to meet their children’s expectations, their own economic strength or lack of it and matching their children’s marks with that of the demands of the educational institution. In such a situation, when a parent hears about a love affair (of anyone else) then there is genuine astonishment on how does anyone get time or energy to get involved in such activities at such an young age.

Lastly, do children who have become full fledged adults (crossed the age of 25 in my belief) need or expect our influence or emotional help. I think yes. But this line is thin. We cannot aggressively intrude into their emotional territory (“don’t be pakao”), nor can we be in an indifferent stranger’s domain. We need to understand the turmoil going through their brain and heart and respond sensitively. We have ourselves passed thru this stage -perhaps without much parental support. So it is easier to assess their needs and probe gently –like a doctor examining an open or an internal wound. It is not easy as now they are a closed book written in a foreign language (or like prayers we recite in Sanskrit- we understand the meaning in a limited manner).

For eg. what do we tell a married son or daughter about the difficulties we face in a marriage? What do we tell about the screaming babies (see my earlier blog) and feeding them at 2 am in night and the support they can expect from their spouse? I often wonder about this. My feeling is that mothers are more forthright in these things and put the matter in a manner which would put their backs up. There would be grudging acceptance later.

I think it is a lifelong relationship. Children remain children for parents whatever be the age. When I used to come home late from office, my father, who was well into his 80s, would remain awake and pester my wife about when I would come. When I reached home, he would confirm that I have reached and then go to sleep. I could not then understand his anxiety. Today I understand it and want to tell him that I understand the deep love and affection that lay behind his non expressive demeanour. But for that I have to go to another world. Do you agree or disagree? Either way, do respond.

Image Courtesy: AnanthV