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Thinking of my sweet memories with the rising sun

As i woke up today with the shining rays of the sun, I got a phone call. It was good news, great news, actually surpirisngly good news.

What I had just heard took me back the memory lane.

Just like our childhood, the Middle years too hold a very important place in our lives. These are the years when a man needs to grapple with his inner demons and make decisions that have a very profound impact on his future. These may be decisions both personal and professional and may be ridiculously easy or exponentially difficult.

This period in life which begins at 20 and ends somewhere in the mid 30’s is marked by various stages like higher education, employment, marriage, children, aged parents etc.

Against this backdrop, I would like to introduce to you one of my best friends who has a lot in common with me and I would like to take his case as an ideal one to see what it takes to make the most toughest decision of all time that many men shudder to even think of, many cower and others relish – MARRIAGE!!!!!

This friend of mine from, how do I put this, well, from pre-historic times, has got characteristics similar to mine.

He hails from an orthodox TamBram family, a very pious man who goes to temple daily and also on weekends, very particular about reaching a place in time and also a stickler to rules and regulations as well as one who thinks thousand times to cross that unquoted line that parents draw for their kids.

This friend of mine, Lets Call him Mr.A, was enchanted in our high school days by a girl who was far more superior in the academic field (crazy, how those things mattered then) & he was afraid to go and talk to her about his crush on her. The result being the girl getting married to one of his own classmates who would ideally not be seen as the perfect combination at that time.

Then another major crush happened when he was working in a premier financial institution wherein he fell in love with a young lady who was known to be a fierce individual and also was one step above him in the corporate ladder. Our man tried to open up to her many times but never could make it face to face resulting in yet another heart break. Last heard the girl is happily married for nearly a year and wonder of wonders has moved to a locality near our own hero’s house!!!!

I being a friend was always aware of his various crushes and out of curiosity asked him about the reasons for this since I knew for a fact that there would not arise any inter-caste repercussions if he were to go ahead and marry any one of them since both ladies in question were simple TamBram women. He was blatant enough to tell me the truth that these two girls whom he liked a lot had many things in common that he wanted in a girl –fiercely independent, go-getters and people on whom you can depend if ever you were in a life threatening situation that they would take care of your family and not bat an eyelid about their personal loss (at least that’s what he thought). He would tell me in is own humorous way Arrey yaar, ‘Imagine I propose to her and she accepts my proposal, then I will have to marry her. But afterwards, there arises a situation wherein I have to play the judge and juror in the house after a hard day in office that would lead to an unpleasant situation. Especially if it’s a case of mother pitted against the wife. Coz no matter what decision the man gives, he stands to lose either way, be it the husband or the son. So I always wait for them to come to me!’ Also his parents being real orthodox, there are quite a few rules in the house which may or may not be liked by all.

Then I put forth another question – How is it that you cope up so well with your so called loss since he has an ever smiling face except when he is angry or in one of his moods.

I even went to the extent of telling him that a man not mourning about his lost love ever thought about loving at all.

That’s when he repeated one of the oft mentioned cliches in Hindi films about Bus,train aur ladki – Ek jaati hai tho doosri aati hai!!!!. I was appalled at this emotionless (Though he is never an emotional being at least to the outside world) and seemingly childish answer to my question. The next moment he surprises me with – Tho kya karoon Suicide kar loon gham main doobke? I cannot even do that coz I am a coward. I asked him in what sense do you term yourself a coward.

He says – “Ask any man to jump from the top of a 10 storeyed building or to consume a bottle of rat poison or rather to shoot/knife himself and he will look at you like you are a crazy man. That is because every man however much obstacles he may face, loves his life. So men who are courageous enough to make that decision should be appreciated. I cannot bring myself to do it since the moment such a thought enters my mind, the sullen faces of my parents occupy center position and all such thoughts get blown away. However much I try to be emotionally un-attached, I cannot bring myself to do it.”

I do not know whether anyone else is satisfied with this explanation, But I sure was and these words coming from a man who I have known to be an emotionless creature. Now for the twist – Life sure has its ways of proving things wrong just when they seem to be right.

Last heard our man has married a Northerner, a Kashyap girl and is presently honeymooning in the backwaters of Kerala.

He married so suddenly that even friends like us came to know after 2 days.

P.S. – Mate, if you are reading this, Please don’t think of this as my way of getting back at you. Am waiting with open arms for your return to our world.

Tell me what you think. I had a great start for my day.

Mani S

Ananth’s blogon influences set me thinking on how the persons around us impact our thinking and behaviour. His blog was on the conscious impact of few persons around him. I felt that the impact on the sub conscious mind by our environment is worth thinking of.

Last year I attended a marriage in Chennai. My aunt (father’s younger sister) exclaimed that “you look like my brother in your present attire” or something to that effect. Instinctively, I felt flattered. Why should I feel so? My father, from the time I remember, looked his age and some more. He was severely short sighted, though tall, was stooping, had very less teeth, dark complexioned, with a furious temper and highly rigid opinion on several aspects of life. His was a hard act to follow.  But still, some of his achievements and decisions make us still look up to him and any resemblance-genetic or otherwise- gives us a sense of inner glow. This however comes with some of the turns and twists life takes and compels us look into the mirror and admit reality at least to ourselves.

In Indian context, the first influence is our parents. The first English alphabets and nursery rhyme was taught to me by my mother whose formal education stopped at primary school. Forty six years back, we had come to Mumbai from a small village in Kerala. We had to adjust to a metro life in a hurry. Learning a foreign language and rhyme (twinkle twinkle little star…) was the first step. I have a sentimental belief that since this was the only subject my mother taught me, I was always good at it.

How did our parents express their love to us or to each other? How many of us remember our parents smiling with a shy love or laughing wickedly over an adult joke said privately to each other? Did they hold each other in their arms and dance the way we saw in the movies of 60s? May be so. Did they do it in our presence? Never.  How did this lack of physical or public expression of love (an Indian trait) impact us? Well, most of us – at least in South India- are uncomfortable with a physical expression of love- even of the platonic variety- in public and may be even in private.

What is the situation today? Very difficult to say.  My belief is that today’s youth are caught between the example set by their parents and the peer pressure. What is the right thing to do? I feel that some amount of display of positive emotions strengthens relationships and establishes some bonding.

Peer pressure or friends or lack of it is the next strongest influence in any life. How would lack of peer pressure or friends influence a person? Like many shy persons, I found it difficult to create an easy going friendship with the group in which I was studying or working (hai-bye relationship). I did exactly what I felt like doing. Some of it succeeded due to several factors- some within and some beyond my control.  But the difficulty in creating an easy going “life of the party” kind of relationship remains.

Peer pressure come most obviously in the “science or commerce” kind of decisions post schooling. Most of such decisions are based not on what the boy or girl wants to do in life post education and how attractive that avenue is. Some years back I had asked my cousin (who is a medical doctor (MBBS)) why is there a craze for medical admission when the returns are not commensurate with the efforts- at least in India. He said that it was due to lack of real understanding of the profession and its pressures. Last week’s news article said that the application for medical admission has fallen significantly while demand for engineering admission has surged.  One classic example is the number of engineers who joined for IT related courses even when it was apparent that many of the industry leaders are from different streams of engineering and such streams offered good long term prospects.

There is a big board I see on the way to office every day. It says “To the world you might be one person; to one person you might be the entire world. So drive carefully.” I feel this poignantly states our relationship with those we love very much- spouse, children, parents, siblings etc. Whenever we wear a new dress, after examining the image on the mirror, we go to our spouse and ask hesitantly ‘do I look handsome?’ A small smile of appreciation, a tart comment makes our day. I say to myself- I certainly look handsome in this shirt. I sometimes think that even Manmohan Singh or Sonia Gandhi must be asking their family members about their appearance before stepping into public gaze. This is only a small example how our spouse and/or family members appreciation matters to each person.  Family support is a great strength of Indian way of life and gives an anchor for our life.

Do parents listen to their children?  Yes, they do; especially when children start growing up and express their opinions.  The external environment has changed and is changing so rapidly that only highly self opinionated parents will disregard the views emanating from their children. If we have to keep communication lines open with them, we have to listen, but not necessarily agree with them and provide an adult feedback. Does this influence us? Yes it does. How does it influence us? Not easy to say. But their love and appreciation of our achievements and forgiveness of our failings matters a lot to us- at least to me.

Lastly religion, religious beliefs, practices, rituals and the whole baggage that comes with it. These are so intensely personal that they are hard to pin down or express in a logical or coherent manner. It matters to us hugely. Even lack of belief in all these things matters hugely.  Here again the dominating influence is our parents. We observe them and then decide consciously or unconsciously as to what we should do.

I have not touched up on the influence of our life in service as that deserves another blog.

So who influenced you? Why don’t you look at your parent and start wondering how they have influenced you?