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Bringing up children: Part 1: The Journey Begins:
 

Bringing Up Children

Every union should produce results. Progeny is one of the results of marriage- at least an expected result. Every newly married couple face overt or covert questions about their “plans”. Any delay beyond 3 years causes great consternation to the families of the couple first and then finally to the couple. All this creates a psychological need to have a child or children.

The initial clarity during the mating period of waiting for few years, settling in respective careers, purchase of dwelling etc. may have been achieved or could be in process. But now the need for a child becomes supreme. The conception takes place. I have a vague impression that women do have hesitation or some apprehensions about the entire pregnancy and delivery process. Most males disregard these apprehensions and the emotional and psychological coercion is enough for the women to cross this hurdle. The child arrives. Respective in laws troop in with broad smiles and a realisation of being grand parents.

Those who become grand parents before reaching the age of 60, mentally tell themselves that “we are like students who pass CA or IIT Entrance in first attempt while others who still troop to school with their children or run around for admissions to colleges are slow starters. But we are young grandparents. Old age associated with the status of being grandparents is not applicable to us”. Mothers are conferred an almost divine status in India.

One story I heard in justification of this status is something like this. One young student questioned placing mother first in the statement “Mata, pita, guru, deivam.”

The guru who was smart delayed the reply. After a few days, the guru asked the student to take a brick, tie it around his waist and go to the well and fetch water several times. The well was obviously at some distance. After the student got exhausted, the guru informed the student that a pregnant mother carries the child similarly for nine months and hence they get this status.

A typical Indian story which justifies the age old statement. Western civilisation has not placed such exalted status on parents. Probably they are seen as the medium thru which the life is created on the earth and the medium is like a vessel we use for cooking. The food is more important than the vessel. The mother now gets to see the life which was floating around in her belly. She is initially wonder struck. Then the awareness sinks in about her primary responsibility. Feeding a child at 12.30 am or 4 am is not something any human being can get excited about for weeks and months. The excitement of working as an executive in an air conditioned office is more palpable than cleaning a baby who will learn sanitary habits after some years. She wonders “God, why does any one say all this is exciting?”. The situation of Indians who have emigrated to middle east or USA etc. is even more difficult. These countries have strict laws for child care. Some countries insist on full time attendant till one year of age (this is what I understand).

The role of father at this stage is crucial. Few have any prior experience. They are forced to learn by trial and error. Many families erroneously do not educate their sons to be aware of basic domestic chores. So they land up in family life without any knowledge of the drudgery involved in maintaining a house in a nuclear family. I believe that it is at this stage the next foundation of family life is laid. Couple who work together (whether both are employed or only one is employed) and share responsibilities build a stronger edifice of their marriage.

The children watch and instinctively understand how their family lives and adapt accordingly. If the responsibilities get shifted to outside family members like in-laws or servants, then the pattern changes. We see distorted behaviour from the children.  Excessive tantrums, need to seek attention of one or both the parents whenever they are present, inability to mix or be comfortable in a large group are some of the visible external symptoms. I cannot claim any memory of my two children’s early years. It all seems to be a blur now. When I watch my grandson grow, I feel a twinge of regret at not noticing and storing these memories at least in the brain. Cameras were expensive then and so there are few photos of those times.

Now Picasa contains a few hundred or thousand photos of various antics of my grand son. Most mothers would tell you that the first three years of the child are difficult but rewarding. Creation of life and its growth is still one of the greatest wonder in this world. The efforts we put in these early years yield visible results.

The exuberance of the child, its curiosity in exploring the world around it, lack of any fear or knowledge of danger gives the greatest pleasure. One of the memorable photos of my grandson (when he was less than a year) is his smile when he turns around to look at me before trying to pluck the AC plug from the socket. Today’s world does not give any educated person the time or privilege to think on such things.

Success brings its own material rewards and satisfaction. It requires great courage to step aside from such a path to enjoy such pleasures. Children demand lot of emotional attention. Our city life drains out our quota of Emotional Quotient leaving little for our family. This is where the distance with children/family starts building up.

Bringing up Children – Part 2: When do children grow up?

Perhaps when they start asking questions about the life we lead. Children consciously or unconsciously imitate parents in the early stages. At some point they question us- do we have to pray everyday? Do we have to write homework at 7.30 every day?

Cant’ we have the toy or something else his or her friend has? Slowly we have to set the boundaries within which we have to live. How does a parent explain that they cannot afford a particular expense as it is beyond them? I remember such a situation when my daughter asked for legitimate expense and I could not afford it at that time. I do not think I gave a correct answer. There is always a debate between quality time and quantity time devoted to children. In a traditional family, the father went to office to make a living and mother looked after the hearth. So father’s time was quality time. Children’s bondage with father was perhaps limited due to the then prevailing environment. This is evident from some of the movies we see of the 60s and 70s in any Indian language.

Today, with both parents employed in many cases, the distance or closeness could be the same. My belief is that children react well to a relationship where the parents are capable of receiving the confidences of their children. They should trust their parents sufficiently enough to exchange their innermost fears and receive emotional and physical support.

This is more easily said than done. This requires a long period of communication at a seemingly equal level without losing the basic authority as parents. Today’s parents do assist in homework, projects, exams and other burdens of today’s schooling process. Do they gain their children’s confidence in this process is a moot point. I saw one TV Debate program on parent’s involvement in their children post school education- Science or commerce, engineering or medicine and so on.

The program had parents and children on opposite sides of the debate. The vehemence of the children on the negative influence of parents on compelling choice of the education stream was quite an eye opener. The education expert – a college principal- said that we should trust over children with the choice they make and not second guess them. They generally know what they want and we should guide them only when they start expressing their doubts or seek help.

My wife has an interesting view on how teenagers and young adults fall in love. She says that when the children lack emotional support or live in an emotional vacuum in the house, they seek an alternative outside the house. This is how love develops. In many cases, this seems to be true. I have seen children whose parents live in a different era and perhaps are not able to relate to their children’s emotional demands. Parents live in an orthodox yesterday era- where passbooks are reconciled on monthly basis, eating out should be out sheer necessity, new dresses are purchased for birthday,  Deepavali and school re-opening.

Marriage anniversary means visit to the nearby temple and then going to office. For children, Mcdonald is a fashion statement to be made, Coffee Day is THE PLACE to be seen wearing a jeans and latest tops with members of opposite sex. Spending a few hundred rupees on such an outing is normal. Would we have spent the equivalent of Rs 450 for our birthday party (what is party by the way?) say 35 years or 25 years back? I am told this is quite normal today. Cafe Coffee Day is the place for a small birth day party- the Cappucino costs not less than Rs. 30 or Rs. 35 per cup.

It is in such environment that love blossoms. If not love, at least rebellion against the ESTABLISHMENT. Long hair, awful looking half pants or three quarter pants, odd upper garments, skin hugging dresses which give quite the opposite message of the person’s character ( an otherwise timid person may look like today’s starlet in some youth oriented movie).  Is falling in love wrong ? (QSQT with Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla or Jane tu with Imran Khan to quote a more modern example).

No, love is a beautiful emotion without which life is not worth living. But falling in love at the age of 18 or 21 seems premature- especially in Indian context. Everything is a struggle here- unlike abroad. Choice of educational stream, admissions, quality of teaching, post graduate education, employment, choice of city or town or metro for employment, accommodation, transport- basic things in life which are taken for granted abroad, pose insurmountable problems for most young adults. Love seems to be a needless distraction in such an environment.

Take admission for engineering, Medicine or any other such professional courses as an example. Each State has got its own peculiarity. Every year there is some litigation to arrest or mar the admission process at the penultimate stage. There is some Government subsidy for such education, but there is something called private college also. In such an environment, the parent struggles to meet their children’s expectations, their own economic strength or lack of it and matching their children’s marks with that of the demands of the educational institution. In such a situation, when a parent hears about a love affair (of anyone else) then there is genuine astonishment on how does anyone get time or energy to get involved in such activities at such an young age.

Lastly, do children who have become full fledged adults (crossed the age of 25 in my belief) need or expect our influence or emotional help. I think yes. But this line is thin. We cannot aggressively intrude into their emotional territory (“don’t be pakao”), nor can we be in an indifferent stranger’s domain. We need to understand the turmoil going through their brain and heart and respond sensitively. We have ourselves passed thru this stage -perhaps without much parental support. So it is easier to assess their needs and probe gently –like a doctor examining an open or an internal wound. It is not easy as now they are a closed book written in a foreign language (or like prayers we recite in Sanskrit- we understand the meaning in a limited manner).

For eg. what do we tell a married son or daughter about the difficulties we face in a marriage? What do we tell about the screaming babies (see my earlier blog) and feeding them at 2 am in night and the support they can expect from their spouse? I often wonder about this. My feeling is that mothers are more forthright in these things and put the matter in a manner which would put their backs up. There would be grudging acceptance later.

I think it is a lifelong relationship. Children remain children for parents whatever be the age. When I used to come home late from office, my father, who was well into his 80s, would remain awake and pester my wife about when I would come. When I reached home, he would confirm that I have reached and then go to sleep. I could not then understand his anxiety. Today I understand it and want to tell him that I understand the deep love and affection that lay behind his non expressive demeanour. But for that I have to go to another world. Do you agree or disagree? Either way, do respond.

Image Courtesy: AnanthV

Failure has never scared or pulled me back as some power greater than all beings has been generous enough to grant me the ability to bounce back every time till date. I have been told not to think too much as all we need is to keep doing our part of the routine and not worry about what’s in store.

The probability of failure has never impeded me as an area of concern but what I did and all that I could have done makes me feel the pulse of the kicking prey on the crafty spider’s web at all times.

My idea of travel is not just to make a livelihood. In the process, I learn so much from all that is superior and great and observe and comprehend the don’ts from around, that travel has a larger count to my daily learning.

I was at RIE Mysore this whole week.

The sheer simplicity of the place humbled me to the core in the sense that right from the passionate research and innovation of culture, learning and customs that happens over there by the masters shrinks down the egotism of the self.

This place had just the most basic needs to stay and the most necessary things to Live. It has knowledge and information to the core, depending on how and how much you can take and share.

My daily count of learning has helped me enhance my knowledge of life, people and processes so much that the thirst to act on it has only increased manifold over the years. Hence the fiery desire to perform and contribute seems to be doubling everyday within me. Life has taught me over the years that the maturity to deal with things is more important than the ability to resolve.

TIME has taught me from Life and observation that there is none powerful than TIME itself. All we possess are the skills and passion to grow and let grow and if that seems to be missing, I guess its time to let go.

I seem to now understand why real education and actual learning are of prime importance today as they embed values more than anything else and empower us with the ability to fight, shield, defend and emerge from our daily actions.

But when it all ends…. Will we be known for what we did or would we be remembered for the change we brought ….. I guess… Only TIME will tell….

Till then… keep learning and keep growing…

Be Well

 Ananth V

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Dare, Dream & Destiny!

Dhirajlal Hirachand Ambani: “Dhirubhai”

dhirubhai ambani

The saga of dreams and destiny wherein the possibility and ability to challenge every obstacle was literally larger than life, such is the chronicle of the legend who lives perpetually in our minds and hearts, Dhirubhai.

This article is a mark of respect from just one of his billion fans from all over the globe on his 75^th Birth Anniversary on 28^th December 2007!

Dhirubhai, as he was affectionately referred to by his scores of followers and fans from around the world, began his life with scanty means, humble start but with dreams beyond people’s capability to anticipate. He began as a small time delivery boy, rose up as the brightest shining star and became the face of our India.

Dhirubhai became the embodiment of triumph, guts, passion and the guide of one and all who dared to dream, each one who sought life out of the ordinary and was ready to go and pursue it no matter what.

He was someone who not only had implausible industry acumen, but also had remarkable prudence and foresight to seek, conquer roads and paths where no man had ventured or dared to go before. He was a man who could turn a fading dream into a bright and merry dawn with his charisma and his passion to grow like no one ever did.

Dhirubhai defined new scales and set new standards for the common man to grow beyond his own competence. He made everyone become conscious that all you need to grow in a way that would stun the world is just CONVICTION… as in Faith and belief that you would achieve it… and that once you start believing in yourself no matter what, you would reach the pinnacle of success and growth like no other.

His life, his road and his dreams are now shared by billions of individuals and communities all over the globe and his name is a permanent shining star in the midst of the vast and bright blue sky.

Dhirubhai like many other great national leaders, reformers, scientists, geniuses, made our INDIA stand distinct in the global map and taught each of us that it is not good…. But great to dare to dream!

He will always live in our hearts, mind and soul and keep reminding us – IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING!!!

Ananthanarayanan V

image source:http://googling.in

I was seven years old. It was barely seven am as I rubbed my eyes and was still lying on the comfortable bed. As my eyelids leisurely followed the cadence of the twinkling stars and I came back to full yet not so vivid vision of the place around, I looked for immediate comfort. I looked for my folks around.

Now this little kid that was me was getting a little anxious to not see his parents around him as he realized all of a sudden that the place he was waking up was also totally new and unknown to him.

I kept calling for my parents and no one answered.

My eyes opened up wholly and I got up in a jiff. As I looked around, my cry for my mom and dad only got louder as the room that I was looking at was at least about 3000 sq. foot big and there was not a soul around. My feet clamped the flooring and I took to faster steps and scurried around the first door that I found open.

I ran three floors downstairs still calling for my parents and now my voice was getting a little more raucous and whiny than before.

Bang!

I startled and shouted for help as I heard a huge clanking clatter to my left side where there was a huge door that was half open. I stood there motionless, scared and worried. I waited till I heard that noise again and then again.

Strangely though, I was a lot calm now and I slowly moved towards that open door and all I could see were massively humongous machines.The smell in that place was filled with fragrance of flowers. I step by step moved in between the clanking sounds and now a lot more confident as I saw a household face near one such machine.

It was my uncle, Mr. K V Ganesan. He owned that whole factory and as he looked at me and my eyes which had tears rolling down my cheeks from before, he immediately lifted me up and said, “Good morning dear. Let’s go and have something to freshen up your morning.”

Soon enough I was sitting on my dad’s lap and my uncle was narrating of probably what could have caused those tears to roll of my eyes. I was now too secure with my folks to admit it was right, so I just smiled and kept quite.

Ganesan uncle was quick to get that thought in my head as he immediately said, “You are a big boy. You were just curious may be and not afraid right?” and I immediately nodded.

That’s when he told me, “My dear boy, in your life never be afraid to accept your fears. As telling a lie and hiding it would only make it stay with you for a much longer time.” That was said to me almost two decades back and it still rings in my head like I heard it yesterday.

Whenever I had the chance to meet uncle Ganesan, I never missed the opportunity as when I grew up, I came to know that the man who was standing with the labourers that early dawn with the soap and machines working was the man who had built a huge business and won acclaims and accolades from all over the globe.

Ganesan uncle had even won awards / certificates from the then President of India for his contribution in the field of his expertise, for his work towards quality Soap products “Chitra Soap Works” and his loads and loads of contribution to the betterment of labour force in their town and city of Chennai which was then Madras.

He was an industrialist. He was a visionary and a true leader. He was the President of the Small scale soap manufacturers association of South India. He was someone who used to genuinely go down the line and help the less privileged section of society and was unbiased in helping anyone and everyone.

He was someone who always believed, preached and practised that the court of conscience is more supreme than the Supreme Court.

Ganesan uncle was someone who used to tell things as they were. He was a simple, straightforward, no-nonsense man. He always valued others time and was as brilliantly knowledgeable about the Holy book of Gita, the Vedas and the Upanishads, as he was about his flourishing company.

He could predict about people’s lives and he did not do it with anyone and everyone. He used to just talk and all of a sudden say something about someone and keep quiet. And he has always been right.

I do not know how he used to do that but I always still wish that I could have met him few more times and learn more about practicality and life and more importantly, the road to do things your way, your business and your hard work and as he lovingly used to put it, your profits.

He started his life from working in a hotel with a very modest beginning and reached to positions where almost everyone he met was influenced by him to the very core. He had an amazing charisma and optimistic vigor that he carried with him. It was probably this vibe which took him to the pinnacle of accomplishment and showered respect and laurels on him from scores of big shots from around the world.

The story of his never quit attitude sounds mesmerizing as he had told that to me once.

He told me that one day, when he had finished his work in the small time hotel where he was working, he saw that some customer had left a book on the seat. It was about midnight till when he had finished his that days errands and he was about to hit the sack, when something pulled him again towards that book. That book was about making something, something that was supposed to get things clean.

Hmmmmm……. Clean. He said to himself. Clean is good. Let me know more about this, he thought. Various optimistic possibilities flashed across his mind instantaneously. He started reading it page by page and before he looked around, it was already morning and his shift was about to start. He was fascinated by what he had read, but work was very much important to fetch him that day’s food. So he let the book in his small cloth bag that he had and got back to work.

The thought kept ringing in his head again and again.

That night after work he jotted down the things that were said to be required and asked those around, of things he did not understand what they meant. He tried to get as many of those as possible with him and replaced few others with what the people around had told.

He followed what was mentioned in the book and instead of using machines he manually grounded and got a thick paste with him in just few hours. It had no proper smell as he recalls, “I must have missed out on the fragrance part to be added as I did not have anything for that aspect back then.” But whatever he had got, he tried to put them in a box and tried them on the dishes and Woolah! They were clean in a jiff and looked a lot shinier.

He loved the concept and he began his dream and created Chitra Soap works and in the next three decades went global. His products were well known for their quality and cost and as years rolled by, he put scores of people on the job and built his dream neat and clean.But more so, with his intense sense of humor and immense technical knowledge and his pure business instinct, he touched a million lives on the way to the pedestal.

I don’t know why, but I remembered him very much today as I thought about something with respect to accepting my fear about something rather than hide and make it grow. At the end of it when the approach clicked to my advantage and I felt so proud that I had taken a brilliant decision at the end of the day, it just hit me hard as a bar of soap, and I came to my senses touching the fragrance of the whole story.

I was able to recollect something that had happened so long back and I started jotting down all that I recollected him telling me about life, faith, hard work and money.

So that may be, just maybe, someday, I grow up to be at least a third as brilliant, innovative and knowledgeable like him, just May be…. Someday……. As he told me always………. Never give up on your dream, whatever it might be……. Just never give up.

He is someone I always remember in my prayers and someone whom I hope is safe and happy up there in the company of the powerful almighty. 

Be well

—-

Ananthanarayanan V