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Married, but to caste and religion

Loves labor lost

A spectacled middle aged woman of average height and looks with tears streaming over her eyes was declaring with emotional fervor: “even in my next birth I want be Mr.’s wife”. The audience was watching this with respectful and emotional silence and clapped thereafter.

I was watching a TV Program on inter caste and religious marriages and the emotional ravages brought by an intolerant society or family on such personal relationships. Some of the experiences described were even more melodramatic that some of the Tamil movies and serials I had watched. Some of the more interesting experiences narrated were :

• senior police officers sensing threat to the lives of the newly wedded couple belonging to different caste/religion, on their own volition,  gave shelter to them in the police station for the night,
• parents living in the same street refusing to recognize such rebellious offsprings and crossing the street to show their displeasure,
• locking newly married daughter in rooms (like Pran in some old movies),
• marriage conducted in a cinema hall while a Kamalahasan movie was on (the parents were outside the theatre keeping a watch on their children) and marriage vows thereafter strengthened in the Hanuman temple outside the theatre.

The persons who were describing their travails in love did not look like Ranbir Kapoor or Shahid Kapoor nor were the middle aged women resembling yester years’ film heroines. My mental image of falling in love was restricted handsome men and women with filmy looks and dashing behavior. Ordinary men and women normally toed the parental/community line and gave vent to their fantasies in love through films, dramas and books.

I imagined falling in love with some of the girls I used to stare very hard in school and college. I tried to extend the scenario further. I imagined taking any one of them (several is too expensive) to a movie near my college. There were two cinema halls nearby. Both were awful then and continue this status even now. The tickets cost between Re.1 and Rs. 2. I used to watch all the movies which were released. Perhaps I would have had to take a fifty percent cut on the number of movies I watched. Would romance have bloomed in darkened, dingy and sweaty theatre with only fans circling reluctantly?  Love is blind but may still perhaps seek physical comfort, dampening any ardor. What about pecuniary limitations? Would I have shared the daily dose of the exquisite Mysore Masala or puri bhaji (I alternated between these two dishes everyday) at Vishwa Mahal for an uncertain relationship? Perhaps, I would have asked her to take a soldier cut (my generation’s code for equal sharing).  What would her view be on my smoking unfiltered Charminar? Is it a macho thing or ugh, ugh!!   On the whole, looking back, all this seems too much trouble for uncertain rewards- mental or physical!

I still have my college ID card. The photo stuck to that shows (in my view) a hungry looking desperado, wearing shirt with wild design which even Aamir Khan would have hesitated to wear in his Movie Rangeela. But then, such outrageous dresses were the “in thing” then.

The next scene I imagine is bringing home a girl from same religion but different community/caste (another religion is beyond my imagination). I bring home a girl studying in second year of college (first year of Plus three in today’s parlance) along with me and declare  my honorable intentions (towards that girl) in the presence of my parents and brother. I can imagine my father’s fury, my mother’s bafflement at this extraordinary initiative and my brother’s anger at extending a hobby or pastime into a full time reality.  The girl would have run away immediately and the relationship would have had a premature and painful demise on that day.

On a more serious note, the impact of the program was higher as ordinary persons had gone through an extraordinary experience and were declaring it in a public arena. One good point which the anchor made was that the emphasis in each of the person’s narration hinged on merging their identity with another caste or religion and not retaining their own post marriage.  Why can’t each person continue to live as earlier retaining their own identity and leaving their children to select their path? The chief guests attending the program explained how they implemented this concept in their life of a mixed religion marriage.

What matters most in a religion or caste in our day to day life? It is certainly not concepts of the sort described below.

Dvaita – mean dual(two distinct – atma and God/Pramatma). The proponent was Madhvacharya.

Vishit-advaita – Qualified(Special) – advaita. It is similar to advaita, meaning both atma and paramatma are one/similar in nature/quality(being and consciousness) but not in quantity(paramatma is infinite).

Mostly it is the pattern of behavior, rituals followed, community oneness and familiarity with one portion of the society to which we have a sense of ownership, identity and belonging. We enjoy the familiarity and the memories these observances bring to us and want to continue it to the next generation. One example of this is the number of temples abroad and the sincerity with which the rituals observed there by Indian emigrants. An even better example is the caste and community based organizations in Mumbai which celebrate various festivals with pomp and splendor which is sometimes absent in our respective places of origin.

The question which reverberates in our minds is how we ensure that some part of our way of life which we believe is beautiful and is to be retained for posterity. One source of optimism is the presence of the younger generation in many arts, callings, religious institutions, places of worship in more than expected numbers. The next is the inquiring minds of the present generation which while giving up blind and unquestioning acceptance of our generations, is willing to explore further in finding out what is beautiful about our respective heritage and are willing to toil for it.

When I speak to the younger generation, I find a yearning for marrying for love and not because the identified time has come and it is “your duty to get married.” One person told me with great disappointment that the intense hunt for a suitable spouse did not yield the desired level of success. The middle class society’s quest to earn a living –whether in metro or tier two cities- leaves little time to go close enough to another human being to take the decision to spend rest of the life with that person.

But then times are changing.  But they are changing slowly. We still see ads of the following kind:

Wanted Bride: only very beautiful, fair & slim, up to 24 years, from middle class or even lower middle class with educational qualification like graduate/ undergraduate or even  plus 2 for—–.

I would love to hear the younger generation’s response to this. Do give me your views on the same.

Regards

Anjeneyan

Love ....

Love makes life livable, said someone!

Somewhere here I am trying to decipher and decode the exact meaning of the phrase and yes before people reach to any conclusion on what kind of love that I am talking about, let me clear the air.

The Love that will be described and poured out in the coming lines, is the one that makes two people go “I Do” at the altar.

I would like to touch upon aspects in this post, about whys would two people who have nothing in common, become what they become, until they meet each other and discover a whole new world – together.

The very reason for undertaking this exercise is my own experience at this peculiar feeling which is known as LOVE the world over.

I am 25 and by the time this article is published, I will be a year older. I have had many crushes in the formative years of my childhood and have been seriously interested only once……….. ok…….. I am exaggerating, may be twice.

The feelings just fizzled out because I am the type of guy who lets things like love take their own way rather than forcing myself on it. This is what led me to ponder as to what makes people tick?

This article may have a subcontinental flavour to it due to the fact that I am quoting examples from the, up and coming land called India of which I am a proud citizen. It’s then that I have tried to get into the “What of Love” and to say that I got satisfactory answers in my quest.

I will be best based on the analysis of the cases presented here and the readers own judgement. (Do not Judge me! )

I believe that Love is an important part of any relationship and is one of the pillars other than trust and loyalty on which the tree of mankind stands. In this regard, I have had certain observations to make and will tell you real life incidents of which I have been witness to or been a silent spectator of.

Case I – A young man whom we all knew of as a studious and very intelligient person who normally kept to self and incapable of doing no wrong along-with being protective of a blind father and an illiterate mother shocks everyone by proclaiming marriage to a young lady whom he met at his workplace

Case II – A young man who is given all freedom in the house and is an intelligient fellow does well in his education, completes his Masters in Business Adminisration where he falls in love, joins a high profile company complete with a good salary and perks. Then he confides about his desire to marry his lady love.

Case III – A young lady born and brought up in a liberal family has had many affairs by the time she reaches woman hood and goes on and marries a person whom she met at the workplace.

Case IV – A young man who has both parents who go off to work leaving him and his younger brother alone meets his lady love in college and they tie the knot. The lady in question in this case was junior to him in college and lived in the same complex as him

These are the samples that I have delved upon and arrived at certain conclusions after making careful observations. These are real life stories with the proverbial “& they lived happily ever after” theme ringing true.

The following observations were found to be true in each one of the cases mentioned above.

Ability to take decisions: In all of the cases mentioned above, the individuals involved have had to take/make decisions at a very early point in life. Be it the guy in case I where he was thrust the responsibility of being the head of the household or in cases II,III or IV where the individuals were required to take decisions due to the fact that there was very little parental assistance involved. It may be noted that people love persons who make their own decisions without getting influenced by other factors especially those which are emotional in nature.

I hope me making points and taking you back to ‘cases’ does not make this sound like a court ruling, it’s just that I would like to share different such scenarios, based on which  began to quote this post on the most beautiful thing in the world, Love!

Read on……

Self-Confidence: All the characters mentioned herein have amazing confidence about themselves. It may have been the result of their minds not being clogged by parents constantly advising about what is good and what is bad, When should one call the stops, What should one do and the likes. As a result of these, an individual goes into a mental state of being wherein he prepares a checklist before making any decision and ensures that the checklist is strictly adhered to. This process ensures that such a person arrives at a decision, which may be right or wrong, much later than those who go by the gut instinct. Also many a times such decisions may seem to be erring on the side of caution so as to ensure that one is always on the right side of the universe whereas confident people may go ahead with a decision that may seem to bewilder many but get positive results. For these people there is the inner belief that they can do no wrong because they do not distinguish between right and wrong and also believe that they can always survive any bad effects that their decision may entail. This leads to the making of a very self confident individual who also appears to be confident with an ever warm smile that pleases most people and charms the toughest of ladies.

Unfettered Lifestyle: Due to the minimal parental objection in their lives, these people live life to the fullest. They work hard, make loads of money, party harder and are always enthusiastic and positive about life. These are people who want to live lives that are worth meaning to them rather than sulking around, thinking about others or about decisions that may have far reaching consequences. That’s the reason why, when one comes across such persons, one feels quite positive and they are like a whiff of fresh air that has invaded your senses carrying you along with it.

Here I would like to rest my case wherein I have always been smitten by some one or the other. However when the time comes to make a choice, it’s always about making them a part of my life rather than colonizing them. So my mind starts throwing up questions like Would she fit the bill, Will my parents approve of her, How would the elders react about the match, What mother tongue will the children adopt and so on till the mind is left totally confused. What finally emerges is a chaotic situation. If not that then by the time I make up my mind, the lady is already been taken!

So friends I think I have unraveled the human mindset about love to a great extent and its physiological aspects. And for those who try desperately to fall in love but don’t, may be now we know why…

Enjoy

Do share your views with me.

Thanks.

Mani (A.k.a Ananth S)

Thinking of my sweet memories with the rising sun

As i woke up today with the shining rays of the sun, I got a phone call. It was good news, great news, actually surpirisngly good news.

What I had just heard took me back the memory lane.

Just like our childhood, the Middle years too hold a very important place in our lives. These are the years when a man needs to grapple with his inner demons and make decisions that have a very profound impact on his future. These may be decisions both personal and professional and may be ridiculously easy or exponentially difficult.

This period in life which begins at 20 and ends somewhere in the mid 30’s is marked by various stages like higher education, employment, marriage, children, aged parents etc.

Against this backdrop, I would like to introduce to you one of my best friends who has a lot in common with me and I would like to take his case as an ideal one to see what it takes to make the most toughest decision of all time that many men shudder to even think of, many cower and others relish – MARRIAGE!!!!!

This friend of mine from, how do I put this, well, from pre-historic times, has got characteristics similar to mine.

He hails from an orthodox TamBram family, a very pious man who goes to temple daily and also on weekends, very particular about reaching a place in time and also a stickler to rules and regulations as well as one who thinks thousand times to cross that unquoted line that parents draw for their kids.

This friend of mine, Lets Call him Mr.A, was enchanted in our high school days by a girl who was far more superior in the academic field (crazy, how those things mattered then) & he was afraid to go and talk to her about his crush on her. The result being the girl getting married to one of his own classmates who would ideally not be seen as the perfect combination at that time.

Then another major crush happened when he was working in a premier financial institution wherein he fell in love with a young lady who was known to be a fierce individual and also was one step above him in the corporate ladder. Our man tried to open up to her many times but never could make it face to face resulting in yet another heart break. Last heard the girl is happily married for nearly a year and wonder of wonders has moved to a locality near our own hero’s house!!!!

I being a friend was always aware of his various crushes and out of curiosity asked him about the reasons for this since I knew for a fact that there would not arise any inter-caste repercussions if he were to go ahead and marry any one of them since both ladies in question were simple TamBram women. He was blatant enough to tell me the truth that these two girls whom he liked a lot had many things in common that he wanted in a girl –fiercely independent, go-getters and people on whom you can depend if ever you were in a life threatening situation that they would take care of your family and not bat an eyelid about their personal loss (at least that’s what he thought). He would tell me in is own humorous way Arrey yaar, ‘Imagine I propose to her and she accepts my proposal, then I will have to marry her. But afterwards, there arises a situation wherein I have to play the judge and juror in the house after a hard day in office that would lead to an unpleasant situation. Especially if it’s a case of mother pitted against the wife. Coz no matter what decision the man gives, he stands to lose either way, be it the husband or the son. So I always wait for them to come to me!’ Also his parents being real orthodox, there are quite a few rules in the house which may or may not be liked by all.

Then I put forth another question – How is it that you cope up so well with your so called loss since he has an ever smiling face except when he is angry or in one of his moods.

I even went to the extent of telling him that a man not mourning about his lost love ever thought about loving at all.

That’s when he repeated one of the oft mentioned cliches in Hindi films about Bus,train aur ladki – Ek jaati hai tho doosri aati hai!!!!. I was appalled at this emotionless (Though he is never an emotional being at least to the outside world) and seemingly childish answer to my question. The next moment he surprises me with – Tho kya karoon Suicide kar loon gham main doobke? I cannot even do that coz I am a coward. I asked him in what sense do you term yourself a coward.

He says – “Ask any man to jump from the top of a 10 storeyed building or to consume a bottle of rat poison or rather to shoot/knife himself and he will look at you like you are a crazy man. That is because every man however much obstacles he may face, loves his life. So men who are courageous enough to make that decision should be appreciated. I cannot bring myself to do it since the moment such a thought enters my mind, the sullen faces of my parents occupy center position and all such thoughts get blown away. However much I try to be emotionally un-attached, I cannot bring myself to do it.”

I do not know whether anyone else is satisfied with this explanation, But I sure was and these words coming from a man who I have known to be an emotionless creature. Now for the twist – Life sure has its ways of proving things wrong just when they seem to be right.

Last heard our man has married a Northerner, a Kashyap girl and is presently honeymooning in the backwaters of Kerala.

He married so suddenly that even friends like us came to know after 2 days.

P.S. – Mate, if you are reading this, Please don’t think of this as my way of getting back at you. Am waiting with open arms for your return to our world.

Tell me what you think. I had a great start for my day.

Mani S

Balika.....

Sita (name changed) walked in yesterday when my house was full of guests. She swayed in with confidence and  disappeared into the kitchen. My guests turned to me and asked “who is that lady?” They were astonished when I said she was our maid servant. She carries a cell phone (with different caller tunes each week), dresses unlike a service providers of her ilk, oozes confidence externally. Her children go to a private school, attends tuition classes, study reasonably well. She moved to a larger hutment two years back. She has a bank account and some savings in post office.  She also has an insurance policy.

She is also a “Balika Vadhu”- that is married much before she saw her 18^th year. This is in Mumbai and not Rajasthan Surely, these kind of things happen in backward States (BIMARU States), with under educated males lording over more uneducated population. No. I found to my dismay and that of my wife, that even in Mumbai arranged marriages at teenage is not uncommon.  Another instance I saw was of reasonably good looking school going girl, who was suddenly married off  even before reaching matriculation. The change post marriage was  saddening. A confident girl had become cowed down, frightened  and bewildered woman- post a last minute miscarriage.

I am not sure what I state above is the exception or rule as in both the cases the persons were related to each other. But what is clear is that what is shown in a very beautifully bedecked manner in the TV Serial Balika Vadhu telecast in Channel “Colors”, is not some remote event fictionalised for the entertainment of  city folks. It is a reality whose impact is seen and felt- latently or otherwise by all of us.

Why do such things happen? Don’t we all witness growing opportunity around us due to continuous economic growth- simultaneously with grinding poverty.  I believe that at least some portion of the poverty is due to missed opportunities. Let us take some examples.

First is literacy and education. Most states have some minimal schooling facility to give basic literacy. To reach beyond that, the economically and socially backward segment of the population needs initiative and efforts. This initiative is often missing. Female education is the backbone of any society. This is often missing. The difference in several human index parameters  between Kerala and Uttar Pradesh could be due to this factor.

I divide skills into physical and mental skills. It needs more efforts to earn living using physical skills. Moreover, to scale up the ladder, constant improvement of skills is required. My favourite example is carpenter. The skill needed in this profession is apparent. The wages paid for a skilled ‘karigar’ is known to all. But many of us would prefer to be unemployed rather than do such a work. This brings home the point that vocational education is important as education emphasising numerical and literary skills are not meant for all.

Next, the spreading urban lifestyle dictates the need for new types of service providers. Working couple do not have time to cook food. In urban locations it is common for a service provider to come two times a day and cook basic food needed for the family. The rate is based on number of Chapatis and corresponding vegetables and dal to be prepared.

Am I pointing out isolated instances which can at best help only a small portion of the Below Poverty Line population? Perhaps it may be so. But I still believe that there are enough opportunities in India (as compared to a developed country) if mental inhibitions existing at various levels are removed.

Then why do people take a comparative level of poverty for granted. My theory is that India has always been a poor country. The politicians and others have created a myth that India was a land of milk and honey plundered by invaders and lastly by the British.  The poverty of a farmer is glorified. The loss of dignity and suffering a subsistence farmer or a person with similar economic status is rarely mentioned correspondingly.

Next, Indians are lazy and easily contented. What are our working hours as compared to USA ? The offices in USA start at dawn. Most persons are in office there  by 8 am or 8.30 am. The courts in USA start at 9 am. Most routine tasks get done in the expected way. Everything works as per a pre-determined plan. Our life is like the sporadic victories of our cricket team. One victory is enough to quench our thirst for a long time and forgive consecutive defeats.

How many reports have we seen about corruption in private sector? Are people aware that corruption exists in private sector in the same manner as in Government? So it is not that Government employees are corrupt, it is that corruption is in Indian blood- some are corruption positive and some negative.

So why do we see so much poverty? Why does  at least some portion of the economically weaker segment of the society spent money on alcoholic drinks (Sita’s husband is, in my view, an alcoholic  and earns less than Sita due to this additiction) and put in those efforts in improving skills? Why do we still read reports of oppression of Dalits in newspapers? I saw a report today which states that health workers do not touch Dalits. School children belonging to non Dalits have separate marked plates for food. If these are the issues which some portion of our population is concerned, then we deserve to see this poverty and misery.

Will it change? Hard to say…  Today’s world allows only survival of fittest. So would India grow or Pakistan grow? Obviously India as Pakistan is mired in issues irrelevant to their well being. Would India grow faster than China? Well, that deserves another blog.

Image Source: Ananthv

Bringing up children: Part 1: The Journey Begins:
 

Bringing Up Children

Every union should produce results. Progeny is one of the results of marriage- at least an expected result. Every newly married couple face overt or covert questions about their “plans”. Any delay beyond 3 years causes great consternation to the families of the couple first and then finally to the couple. All this creates a psychological need to have a child or children.

The initial clarity during the mating period of waiting for few years, settling in respective careers, purchase of dwelling etc. may have been achieved or could be in process. But now the need for a child becomes supreme. The conception takes place. I have a vague impression that women do have hesitation or some apprehensions about the entire pregnancy and delivery process. Most males disregard these apprehensions and the emotional and psychological coercion is enough for the women to cross this hurdle. The child arrives. Respective in laws troop in with broad smiles and a realisation of being grand parents.

Those who become grand parents before reaching the age of 60, mentally tell themselves that “we are like students who pass CA or IIT Entrance in first attempt while others who still troop to school with their children or run around for admissions to colleges are slow starters. But we are young grandparents. Old age associated with the status of being grandparents is not applicable to us”. Mothers are conferred an almost divine status in India.

One story I heard in justification of this status is something like this. One young student questioned placing mother first in the statement “Mata, pita, guru, deivam.”

The guru who was smart delayed the reply. After a few days, the guru asked the student to take a brick, tie it around his waist and go to the well and fetch water several times. The well was obviously at some distance. After the student got exhausted, the guru informed the student that a pregnant mother carries the child similarly for nine months and hence they get this status.

A typical Indian story which justifies the age old statement. Western civilisation has not placed such exalted status on parents. Probably they are seen as the medium thru which the life is created on the earth and the medium is like a vessel we use for cooking. The food is more important than the vessel. The mother now gets to see the life which was floating around in her belly. She is initially wonder struck. Then the awareness sinks in about her primary responsibility. Feeding a child at 12.30 am or 4 am is not something any human being can get excited about for weeks and months. The excitement of working as an executive in an air conditioned office is more palpable than cleaning a baby who will learn sanitary habits after some years. She wonders “God, why does any one say all this is exciting?”. The situation of Indians who have emigrated to middle east or USA etc. is even more difficult. These countries have strict laws for child care. Some countries insist on full time attendant till one year of age (this is what I understand).

The role of father at this stage is crucial. Few have any prior experience. They are forced to learn by trial and error. Many families erroneously do not educate their sons to be aware of basic domestic chores. So they land up in family life without any knowledge of the drudgery involved in maintaining a house in a nuclear family. I believe that it is at this stage the next foundation of family life is laid. Couple who work together (whether both are employed or only one is employed) and share responsibilities build a stronger edifice of their marriage.

The children watch and instinctively understand how their family lives and adapt accordingly. If the responsibilities get shifted to outside family members like in-laws or servants, then the pattern changes. We see distorted behaviour from the children.  Excessive tantrums, need to seek attention of one or both the parents whenever they are present, inability to mix or be comfortable in a large group are some of the visible external symptoms. I cannot claim any memory of my two children’s early years. It all seems to be a blur now. When I watch my grandson grow, I feel a twinge of regret at not noticing and storing these memories at least in the brain. Cameras were expensive then and so there are few photos of those times.

Now Picasa contains a few hundred or thousand photos of various antics of my grand son. Most mothers would tell you that the first three years of the child are difficult but rewarding. Creation of life and its growth is still one of the greatest wonder in this world. The efforts we put in these early years yield visible results.

The exuberance of the child, its curiosity in exploring the world around it, lack of any fear or knowledge of danger gives the greatest pleasure. One of the memorable photos of my grandson (when he was less than a year) is his smile when he turns around to look at me before trying to pluck the AC plug from the socket. Today’s world does not give any educated person the time or privilege to think on such things.

Success brings its own material rewards and satisfaction. It requires great courage to step aside from such a path to enjoy such pleasures. Children demand lot of emotional attention. Our city life drains out our quota of Emotional Quotient leaving little for our family. This is where the distance with children/family starts building up.

Bringing up Children – Part 2: When do children grow up?

Perhaps when they start asking questions about the life we lead. Children consciously or unconsciously imitate parents in the early stages. At some point they question us- do we have to pray everyday? Do we have to write homework at 7.30 every day?

Cant’ we have the toy or something else his or her friend has? Slowly we have to set the boundaries within which we have to live. How does a parent explain that they cannot afford a particular expense as it is beyond them? I remember such a situation when my daughter asked for legitimate expense and I could not afford it at that time. I do not think I gave a correct answer. There is always a debate between quality time and quantity time devoted to children. In a traditional family, the father went to office to make a living and mother looked after the hearth. So father’s time was quality time. Children’s bondage with father was perhaps limited due to the then prevailing environment. This is evident from some of the movies we see of the 60s and 70s in any Indian language.

Today, with both parents employed in many cases, the distance or closeness could be the same. My belief is that children react well to a relationship where the parents are capable of receiving the confidences of their children. They should trust their parents sufficiently enough to exchange their innermost fears and receive emotional and physical support.

This is more easily said than done. This requires a long period of communication at a seemingly equal level without losing the basic authority as parents. Today’s parents do assist in homework, projects, exams and other burdens of today’s schooling process. Do they gain their children’s confidence in this process is a moot point. I saw one TV Debate program on parent’s involvement in their children post school education- Science or commerce, engineering or medicine and so on.

The program had parents and children on opposite sides of the debate. The vehemence of the children on the negative influence of parents on compelling choice of the education stream was quite an eye opener. The education expert – a college principal- said that we should trust over children with the choice they make and not second guess them. They generally know what they want and we should guide them only when they start expressing their doubts or seek help.

My wife has an interesting view on how teenagers and young adults fall in love. She says that when the children lack emotional support or live in an emotional vacuum in the house, they seek an alternative outside the house. This is how love develops. In many cases, this seems to be true. I have seen children whose parents live in a different era and perhaps are not able to relate to their children’s emotional demands. Parents live in an orthodox yesterday era- where passbooks are reconciled on monthly basis, eating out should be out sheer necessity, new dresses are purchased for birthday,  Deepavali and school re-opening.

Marriage anniversary means visit to the nearby temple and then going to office. For children, Mcdonald is a fashion statement to be made, Coffee Day is THE PLACE to be seen wearing a jeans and latest tops with members of opposite sex. Spending a few hundred rupees on such an outing is normal. Would we have spent the equivalent of Rs 450 for our birthday party (what is party by the way?) say 35 years or 25 years back? I am told this is quite normal today. Cafe Coffee Day is the place for a small birth day party- the Cappucino costs not less than Rs. 30 or Rs. 35 per cup.

It is in such environment that love blossoms. If not love, at least rebellion against the ESTABLISHMENT. Long hair, awful looking half pants or three quarter pants, odd upper garments, skin hugging dresses which give quite the opposite message of the person’s character ( an otherwise timid person may look like today’s starlet in some youth oriented movie).  Is falling in love wrong ? (QSQT with Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla or Jane tu with Imran Khan to quote a more modern example).

No, love is a beautiful emotion without which life is not worth living. But falling in love at the age of 18 or 21 seems premature- especially in Indian context. Everything is a struggle here- unlike abroad. Choice of educational stream, admissions, quality of teaching, post graduate education, employment, choice of city or town or metro for employment, accommodation, transport- basic things in life which are taken for granted abroad, pose insurmountable problems for most young adults. Love seems to be a needless distraction in such an environment.

Take admission for engineering, Medicine or any other such professional courses as an example. Each State has got its own peculiarity. Every year there is some litigation to arrest or mar the admission process at the penultimate stage. There is some Government subsidy for such education, but there is something called private college also. In such an environment, the parent struggles to meet their children’s expectations, their own economic strength or lack of it and matching their children’s marks with that of the demands of the educational institution. In such a situation, when a parent hears about a love affair (of anyone else) then there is genuine astonishment on how does anyone get time or energy to get involved in such activities at such an young age.

Lastly, do children who have become full fledged adults (crossed the age of 25 in my belief) need or expect our influence or emotional help. I think yes. But this line is thin. We cannot aggressively intrude into their emotional territory (“don’t be pakao”), nor can we be in an indifferent stranger’s domain. We need to understand the turmoil going through their brain and heart and respond sensitively. We have ourselves passed thru this stage -perhaps without much parental support. So it is easier to assess their needs and probe gently –like a doctor examining an open or an internal wound. It is not easy as now they are a closed book written in a foreign language (or like prayers we recite in Sanskrit- we understand the meaning in a limited manner).

For eg. what do we tell a married son or daughter about the difficulties we face in a marriage? What do we tell about the screaming babies (see my earlier blog) and feeding them at 2 am in night and the support they can expect from their spouse? I often wonder about this. My feeling is that mothers are more forthright in these things and put the matter in a manner which would put their backs up. There would be grudging acceptance later.

I think it is a lifelong relationship. Children remain children for parents whatever be the age. When I used to come home late from office, my father, who was well into his 80s, would remain awake and pester my wife about when I would come. When I reached home, he would confirm that I have reached and then go to sleep. I could not then understand his anxiety. Today I understand it and want to tell him that I understand the deep love and affection that lay behind his non expressive demeanour. But for that I have to go to another world. Do you agree or disagree? Either way, do respond.

Image Courtesy: AnanthV