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Married, but to caste and religion

Loves labor lost

A spectacled middle aged woman of average height and looks with tears streaming over her eyes was declaring with emotional fervor: “even in my next birth I want be Mr.’s wife”. The audience was watching this with respectful and emotional silence and clapped thereafter.

I was watching a TV Program on inter caste and religious marriages and the emotional ravages brought by an intolerant society or family on such personal relationships. Some of the experiences described were even more melodramatic that some of the Tamil movies and serials I had watched. Some of the more interesting experiences narrated were :

• senior police officers sensing threat to the lives of the newly wedded couple belonging to different caste/religion, on their own volition,  gave shelter to them in the police station for the night,
• parents living in the same street refusing to recognize such rebellious offsprings and crossing the street to show their displeasure,
• locking newly married daughter in rooms (like Pran in some old movies),
• marriage conducted in a cinema hall while a Kamalahasan movie was on (the parents were outside the theatre keeping a watch on their children) and marriage vows thereafter strengthened in the Hanuman temple outside the theatre.

The persons who were describing their travails in love did not look like Ranbir Kapoor or Shahid Kapoor nor were the middle aged women resembling yester years’ film heroines. My mental image of falling in love was restricted handsome men and women with filmy looks and dashing behavior. Ordinary men and women normally toed the parental/community line and gave vent to their fantasies in love through films, dramas and books.

I imagined falling in love with some of the girls I used to stare very hard in school and college. I tried to extend the scenario further. I imagined taking any one of them (several is too expensive) to a movie near my college. There were two cinema halls nearby. Both were awful then and continue this status even now. The tickets cost between Re.1 and Rs. 2. I used to watch all the movies which were released. Perhaps I would have had to take a fifty percent cut on the number of movies I watched. Would romance have bloomed in darkened, dingy and sweaty theatre with only fans circling reluctantly?  Love is blind but may still perhaps seek physical comfort, dampening any ardor. What about pecuniary limitations? Would I have shared the daily dose of the exquisite Mysore Masala or puri bhaji (I alternated between these two dishes everyday) at Vishwa Mahal for an uncertain relationship? Perhaps, I would have asked her to take a soldier cut (my generation’s code for equal sharing).  What would her view be on my smoking unfiltered Charminar? Is it a macho thing or ugh, ugh!!   On the whole, looking back, all this seems too much trouble for uncertain rewards- mental or physical!

I still have my college ID card. The photo stuck to that shows (in my view) a hungry looking desperado, wearing shirt with wild design which even Aamir Khan would have hesitated to wear in his Movie Rangeela. But then, such outrageous dresses were the “in thing” then.

The next scene I imagine is bringing home a girl from same religion but different community/caste (another religion is beyond my imagination). I bring home a girl studying in second year of college (first year of Plus three in today’s parlance) along with me and declare  my honorable intentions (towards that girl) in the presence of my parents and brother. I can imagine my father’s fury, my mother’s bafflement at this extraordinary initiative and my brother’s anger at extending a hobby or pastime into a full time reality.  The girl would have run away immediately and the relationship would have had a premature and painful demise on that day.

On a more serious note, the impact of the program was higher as ordinary persons had gone through an extraordinary experience and were declaring it in a public arena. One good point which the anchor made was that the emphasis in each of the person’s narration hinged on merging their identity with another caste or religion and not retaining their own post marriage.  Why can’t each person continue to live as earlier retaining their own identity and leaving their children to select their path? The chief guests attending the program explained how they implemented this concept in their life of a mixed religion marriage.

What matters most in a religion or caste in our day to day life? It is certainly not concepts of the sort described below.

Dvaita – mean dual(two distinct – atma and God/Pramatma). The proponent was Madhvacharya.

Vishit-advaita – Qualified(Special) – advaita. It is similar to advaita, meaning both atma and paramatma are one/similar in nature/quality(being and consciousness) but not in quantity(paramatma is infinite).

Mostly it is the pattern of behavior, rituals followed, community oneness and familiarity with one portion of the society to which we have a sense of ownership, identity and belonging. We enjoy the familiarity and the memories these observances bring to us and want to continue it to the next generation. One example of this is the number of temples abroad and the sincerity with which the rituals observed there by Indian emigrants. An even better example is the caste and community based organizations in Mumbai which celebrate various festivals with pomp and splendor which is sometimes absent in our respective places of origin.

The question which reverberates in our minds is how we ensure that some part of our way of life which we believe is beautiful and is to be retained for posterity. One source of optimism is the presence of the younger generation in many arts, callings, religious institutions, places of worship in more than expected numbers. The next is the inquiring minds of the present generation which while giving up blind and unquestioning acceptance of our generations, is willing to explore further in finding out what is beautiful about our respective heritage and are willing to toil for it.

When I speak to the younger generation, I find a yearning for marrying for love and not because the identified time has come and it is “your duty to get married.” One person told me with great disappointment that the intense hunt for a suitable spouse did not yield the desired level of success. The middle class society’s quest to earn a living –whether in metro or tier two cities- leaves little time to go close enough to another human being to take the decision to spend rest of the life with that person.

But then times are changing.  But they are changing slowly. We still see ads of the following kind:

Wanted Bride: only very beautiful, fair & slim, up to 24 years, from middle class or even lower middle class with educational qualification like graduate/ undergraduate or even  plus 2 for—–.

I would love to hear the younger generation’s response to this. Do give me your views on the same.

Regards

Anjeneyan

Few Blog Posts from the past: Back on Our Dear Readers Demand:

Year:2008

Tomorrow onwards I start working in an open office. During renovation, the old traditional layout is being changed from a cabin (large rooms equal to or bigger than a living room) to medium sized cubicles and work stations. It looks impressive since the office is renovated. But it is only partially complete and the full looks with atrium and all other things would get ready in the next few months. So the full impact would be felt when the office is fully renovated. It would be a transformation worthy of notice-perhaps equivalent to an expensive cosmetic corporate surgery.

The first feature that I observe is that the Personal Computer occupies the pride of position, It is kept smack in the middle of the working area and the chair faces it. It seems as though the main function of most employees is staring hard at the computer almost the entire day. It is perhaps equivalent to keeping a note counting machine on every banker’s table as every banker ultimately deals with money. My belief is that computer is one of the tools we use in the course of our work. It could be a vital tool or an accessory (like a belt or a tie) depending on the individual and his position in the hierarchy. But that seems to be the accepted concept today. I am reminded of the cattle shed in some parts of Mumbai (Tabela in local language) where the cattle is tied and faces a trough containing the feed. Unlike human beings they are not let out as there is no space for grazing in Mumbai.

The second striking aspect is the positioning. The consultant informed us that the concept is that there should not be eye contact from one work station to another. This reinforces the concept that though other human beings are close by, they are mainly distraction to be avoided. So though they are visible and audible, ignore them and ensure that they are able to ignore you. So no loud conversation to spouse on buying evening’s requirement (she would come late, so pick up children, and keep dhal ready etc.), mouthing childish and sweet words or threatening words to growing and troublesome kids (do Maths home work beta, is the Hindi homework over, didn’t I tell you to…), romance within or outside office.

The third striking aspect is the mobile phone with varying ring tones. I recall a senior executive well past retirement age having the ring tone of Dhoom going off when he was making a serious point at an important meeting. They can be quite annoying. When someone else has a ringtone identical to yours, then you could get irritated thinking how could he have the same ring tone. So what would result after few days of annoyance is more subdued ring tone and many executives walking up and down the corridor murmuring into the telephone looking serious and sometimes focused clearly on domestic issues ( mama, I told you it is not possible this week….., did the plumber come? has the maid come and cleaned baba’s school dress?)

The fourth would be learning new techniques on seeming busy on important assignments while doing nothing. But that perhaps would not be difficult to any Indian working person.

Now, I wonder who invented work station. The word “work station” seems to give an impression of a temporary halting place – like railway station- and not a place where we spent a large portion of our waking time. It sounds like a station for working and nothing more. Perhaps it is an American usage where most things are impersonal – even family relationships. Every child is expected to have a separate room. A parent cannot go into his grown up children’s room without permission. So places without privacy are perhaps temporary habitats by their standards.

So off tomorrow to the new working station. Let me see how all of us working there fare. My hunch is that some of my colleagues could complain and look back to the glorious past and identify the fault lines loudly.

Open Office – Part2

It is nearly a year since I wrote the last blog. During that time, I visited Bhutan. It is an out of the way place for Indian tourists. I enjoyed it. My wife told me recently that she now appreciated the stillness of some of the places we visited in Bhutan. If anyone is interested to know more, do write to me. I have kept a diary of this visit and good photos also. If you enjoy chill climate in summer, seeing deep valleys, winding roads, waterfalls etc. then this is the place. It is not that expensive also.

My grandson put in 11 more eventful months to his 9 months of existence. The growth in the first three years of existence is said to be more that what happens in thirty years of existence in the later part of human life. So he started walking, communicating, speaking few words and being utterly mischievous. He has a lovely smile, which I am sure will break the hearts of many maidens who are yet to be born. He gave us a new perspective to life and living.

The open office grew on me. I became comfortable listening to the daily menu communicated by my office neighbor to the cook. I came to know the calling tunes of most colleagues. The older the person, the more dashing is the caller tune. Older persons do not change caller tune. The younger generation love change and that includes caller tunes also.

Most telephone conversations are conducted in loud tones. Except when confidential calls come, then everyone is capable of whispering on phone. The difficulty arises in concentrating on reading lengthy documents when the atmosphere around resembles a railway station. Then I remember Hindu philosophy which expects us to concentrate irrespective what the outside world resembles.

Share market crashed in an unbelievable manner. Many of us saw lot of paper wealth being extinguished on a daily basis. There is a muted recovery now. None of us are confident this would sustain or reach the old heights. Still some rise in Sensex is comforting.

What are most disturbing are job losses. For the first time in my 33 years of working life, I am seeing middle and junior level officers and executives losing jobs due to economic down turn. Management graduates are not getting placements even when they belong to good or great Institutions. This has never happened in the past. The situation in non metros is said to be equally bad. Small and medium enterprises are having great difficulties in surviving. I am not sure what is the level of job losses or erosion, but it is bound to be significant.

I had a lingering suspicion about IT related jobs as I could not fathom how far an average IT engineer would travel in his career. As a person coming from administrative side of business, I felt they would plateau out fast. Today’s scenario seems to confirm my belief that an IT person needs to contribute significantly to business to progress beyond the Rs. 25/30 lacs hurdle. Am I right? I would love some feedback on this rather instinctive rather than informed view.

USA has lost its charm for many Indians. The risk of being unemployed in a foreign country is frightening. India at least offers some kind of security within the bosom of the family or its extended version. Any way we are used to misery, somehow we will pull on. Would a father consider giving a qualified girl based in India to an IT bridegroom based in USA today without some qualms? Hard to say.

Why did I absent myself from blogs? Well, the creative urge dried up. I could not dream of something to write. I started and then left it midway. Today I decided I will scrawl something. I will be encouraged if I get 3 comments or criticisms or feedback. Does a person write for own satisfaction or for someone else to read, appreciate/criticise? I think both.

So, what do you say?

Let me know your views on the same

Anjeneyan

Image Source:

Cubicle

Personal Trip Clicks

A trailer truck and my car fell in love with each other for a brief moment. The result was a dented door and broken mirror. The fall out was that the car went to rest in the garage and I travelled by Mumbai’s famed local train for few days.

So I trudged to the railway station a bit earlier than my usual exit time. I was out of breath but pleased with the less than expected crowd. I stood at the same place where I used to, when I was studying in a College in this suburb thirty five years back. What has changed? The tea stall still serves the same type of food (Thane Station – Platform No. 2 made good Batata Vadas, but not this Station). The circular dial clock is replaced with a digital clock. The indicator is also digital- of the newer type. The sign board is clear and legible. The 7.59 local had left at 7.58 (as per digital clock). The next train was at 8.04. It came at 8.06. There was no mad rush to pounce into the train and rush inside. I got in early and stood between the seats and attempted to read the novel I had with me.

A person nudged me to keep his bag. I kept it. Then another one nudged. Totally there were four such requests. All the bags were satchels and not the briefcases. In fact I could not find any brief cases in the luggage rack of the First Class Compartment. Four out of ten persons were speaking intently on their cell phone. One was explaining in detail what he intended to do after reaching his office for trading in some share or commodity. There was an unauthorized occupant in ladies first class who was being berated and asked to leave- at the next station. I believe that women are more particular and vociferous about exercising their rights.

I got a place to sit after thirty minutes of a fifty five minutes journey. I got down at VT Station (CST now) and walked to office. It is a ten minute walk the oldest part of the town. All are stone buildings made several decades back. There is porch in the front of most buildings, which gives shade during this walk. The street vendors were just opening their wares for display. In my younger days, Keralite vendors used to display covers of “foreign goods” such as ‘two in ones’, tape recorders etc. Today it is odd items of low value – including colorful foreign condoms.

I passed the Fort Branch of Bank of India where I was posted on my promotion from clerk to officer. I worked there only for fifteen months and had no great memories associated with it. On reaching Office, one security chap hesitantly asked whether I was an employee. I felt crushed and reminded me of the famous tweet by a Minister on travelling cattle class.

The evening journey was even more pleasant. I could rush into an empty compartment and get a sitting place and read my novel without jerks and jumps. The next three days by train were uneventful. One day I even got down at Dadar, did some shopping, got into a Dadar starting train and could get down comfortably at Mulund. A young pair was sitting in front of me. The boy was convincing the girl that the earth is flat and he would take her to the other end of it. The girl was listening intently and wiped a tear drop- perhaps thinking that her parents had mislead her by informing that earth is round. Then she received a phone call and was vehemently conveying some message with actions and all. I wondered whether there would be enough substance in their tale for one TV Serial episode.

The train journey takes around 55 minutes to traverse 34 kilometers. The road journey takes 70 to 75 minutes in the morning and 100 to 150 minutes in the evening. It is not a pleasure to take 20 minutes to travel one or two kms. A colleague who lives in the next suburb told me that he and his wife initially travelled by car to Office, but found it boring and tiresome and gave it up soon. I could understand it well. A comfortable and reliable public transport is far superior to a private transport if the journey is from point to point with minimum walking in between. Lack of investment in infrastructure (most over used word today) in the early years of independence has lead to the present abysmal state. Even cattle are not transported in goods train the way human being travel in local trains and buses.

The underground trains in London are in existence from 1920s. (See below)

Trams are found in most European countries. (See tram in Switzerland)

Metro rail is common in south Asian countries. India too could have had all these much earlier. All of it is a case of missed opportunities in India.

The car Dealer informed me that the car is repaired and I could pick it up. My driver, who was to go and pick up the car, rang up to inform me that he could not come due to an accident between Mulund and Thane. It was a freak accident in which a concrete slap fell on a running train. This hit a huge water pipe which burst and created a mini flood on the track. The motor man died as could be extracted only after four hours. One more person died after a day or so. The trains had to be stopped for a day for repair. Everybody now realized that the concrete slab was hanging precariously for quite some time and no one was really responsible for it. One political party threatened to tie the civic servant to the nearby tree till he assured that the entire pipe line and all would be repaired.

(Courtesy DNA Newspaper)

What are the lingering memories when compared to the past? The trains run at greater speed and do not stop abruptly in between stations for signals. The mega blocks for maintenance repairs have made a great difference to the time and speed of the journey.  The 12 bogie train is a great blessing as it clears more crowds.  The camaraderie of passengers travelling together every day is an enduring sight. Nobody plays cards now as it now may be banned. The ticket sellers sit in AC offices and give computer print outs for tickets- something quite common in South India. The foot over bridge seems cleaner and even.

I leave with the belief that in spite of all the drawbacks of a chaotic democracy, there is some movement forward- albeit a slow one.

Thanks

Anjeneyan

Do we notice the imperceptible changes taking place around us?  Mostly not; unless compelled to do so.

The most common culprit of almost imperceptible change is age. “Why do you wheeze when you climb stairs for just two floor?” My daughter asked me last week. I passed it off as a toll taken by age; though the reality is that this weakness is an old one and remained unnoticed.

Most resist the external symptoms of time and related wear & tear. A thumb rule is that the older a person is, the more time taken for formal dressing. So there is a calculated effort to impress- bright colors, branded shirts/pants, hair waved back carefully. Sometimes I wonder, whether the person is comfortable in the role being enacted (for the sake of family). Why not let go and be what you actually are? But then, do many of us know ourselves well to decide to be as and what we are?

God, with His sense of irony, has made human beings attach undue importance to parts of body which have limited utility. Hairs on the head is a classic example of a decorative object. It does not serve any great purpose (unlike hands or legs). But the impact a great hair style has on the subject and his/her viewer cannot be measured. So we find youngsters staring hard at mirror for long periods, patting their hair, men keeping tufts (meant originally only for certain purposes) like women, old men and women dyeing their imperfectly to evade the toll of time and all sorts of odd behavior if examined in the light of reason.

When I was a young boy (several decades back) only school boys and  domestic men servants (who washed clothes, vessels, cars etc.) wore half pants in Mumbai.  Now of course, it is a fashion statement to wear half pants and odd sized pants on all occasions (except job interview) and thereby attempt to belong to another age group. So, when I wear a shorts (called half pant in the past) to the gym, I have an uneasy feeling that someone would  call me to wash their car.

The real changes take place in our sub-conscious and then trickle down to external visibility.  This is noticed only if we meet the person after a reasonable gap. Mentally we slow down- that is reduce the pace at which we want to live hereafter. We see this around us but do not observe. We want less surprises- less changes – expected or unexpected. Life has to be same from yesterday to today. But God and the world around us have a gleeful pleasure in altering our well laid down plans.  So we find sedentary grandparents rushing off to USA/Gulf countries for a new career in babysitting (most probably no one sits, the baby runs around and we run after it continuously till our legs pain).

Did our parents sit back and ponder over their errors of omissions and commission? Did they even admit it to themselves? My son reminded me recently in non-judgmental manner of the instances when I beat him during his childhood. Did I beat him? Yes, I did. For what reasons?  I do not remember. Do I regret it now? Yes. But when I look at my daughter trying to tame my grandson (unsuccessfully at times) by oral requests and then resorting some small corporal punishments, I realize that these are inevitable and cannot be examined by hindsight.

Do we lose our ambitions, zest and enthusiasm with age? I would say they become more tempered. The  goal posts change. Survival up to the goal post  becomes more important than running past it. Some unexpected past time or interest catches serious attention.  So it could a social or a religious organization in which there is some lurking desire to play a more prominent role. I have seen several large institutions run  by persons most of whom had retired from gainful occupations long  back justifying to this logic.

But what is most important in all this is identifying what our heart really seeks- what is it that would give us great happiness. This is the most difficult part of life at any juncture. Long but aimless life serves little or no purpose. At each juncture of life, knowing what we want to achieve in our career, what we enjoy doing in our spare time, what relationships to invest in to make our life more beautiful is vital. This is more easily said than done.

I envy today’s youth some of whom are clear eyed to give up easy choices and seek for what they really want. India has given choices which did not exist some decades back.  But whether they are able to achieve a balance between their material success and mental happiness is a moot point. This perhaps applies to youth and younger generation in any point of time- yesterday , today or tomorrow.

So next time I visit the nearby shopping mall, I will take the plunge and buy the black shirt with stripes displayed at Zodiac shop. My family’s puritanical views on wearing such garments can take a back seat.

I will look handsome in that shirt- rather as handsome as I looked some decades back.

Anjeneyan.

Do we need to be obsessed about our career or do we just need to ensure that we have a job and do it well? Isn’t a good job synonymous with a successful career?

When we started out in the employment field in India thirty years back, job was a luxury and career a word in dictionary. Better qualifications got you a better job- a more secure job. The first thing that was mentioned on getting a job was that xxx has got a secure job. Today’s generation would be puzzled by this obsession, as job insecurity ( for a skilled and young individual in India ) is not on the horizon.

When does job translate into career? I believe that gaining expertise and higher responsibilities in one’s chosen area or allied area of expertise on a continuous basis would translate a job into career. Doing a function mechanically needing limited application of mind would perhaps indicate that stagnation has begun. Another indication would be when your immediate Superior’s job seems attractive, easy to do and more importantly having self confidence to do it well.

Do we need to be obsessed with career? In other words, is career different from our employment with the present organisation? In today’s circumstances career obsession seems to be a pre requisite for success. In today’s changing times, every organisation demands skills and talents relevant to today and not yesterday or day before. We are as good as our last victory (like our cricket team). If we do not measure up to the tomorrow’s need, then in comes a rank outsider who is seen to have those skills. Yesterday’s heroes or heroines are now to follow the new leader or well …. look elsewhere.

In such a situation what does an individual do? I believe that he or she has to continually upgrade their skills so as to be relevant to today and tomorrow. Age has nothing to do with it. It would be incorrect to say that “I am too old to learn new tricks. In my time we used to………”. These kind or dialogues would draw embarrassed silence only.

Is not the organisation responsible too? Does it have to be obsessed with its own success and survival and not care for the people who were responsible for this? Yes, it also has its responsibilities. It has to nurture and grow people who lack the obvious skills, but with some assistance could be re-deployed suitably and prove to be assets in changed circumstances also. This requires visionary skills at upper and middle levels of management and listening ability. Also the appraisal system should be have a core of honesty which has creditability within the organisation and which would inform the correct situation so far as the individual is concerned.

Well, what would you say to your young cousin who has started to examine new openings within a month of taking up a new assignment? I would say focus on career, upgrading of skills, higher levels of responsibilities, exposure to new areas and opportunities for a larger contribution to the organisation would be the key to the decision.

What do you feel? I would love to get responses to the above views- especially from the younger generation.

2Sides of Life

My mother was a homemaker (to use a modern terminology). I do not recall a time in my childhood when Ireturned to an empty home and made my own snacks or lunch/dinner. I grew up taking for granted that mothers are always at home to receive their children. The outside reality slowly sunk in and I realized that women who went to work also were mothers whose children bid them good bye each morning and waited for them to come back to relate the days adventures.

I recall one blog written by a TV Newsreader which is particularly fascinating. This is two years old blog, but timeless in terms of contents and I am giving below a link to it.

Working Mothers: On IBN

The comments in response mostly from women are equally interesting. They are worth reading.

In today’s context when female education is emphasized and they are equal or should be equal to male in terms of opportunities and abilities , it is not fair or correct to tell a woman that her main job is to be a “homemaker” rather than fulfill her personal and professional aspirations. At the same time, children in the early and formative years require close attention from at least one of the parent. This need not be on a 24/7 basis, but ideally should cover a significant portion of the children’s waking hours and their time spent in the house. As the children grow up, the degree and span of attention could vary and reduce.

I am seeing in some cases grand parents being substitute parents. Some grand parents are frequent flyers to gulf and USA to care the grand children. I always wonder whether the parents bond well with children brought up by others? Do grand parents have the same energy they had as parents? Is’nt it a a bit tiresome for grandparents to do once more what they had done over three decades back? Would they not be looking thru the prism of values and mores which may not be relevant three decades later when the children become adults?

“Quality time” seems to cover the nature of attention needed, but at the same time indicates cliché or an overused word. I tried to imagine myself to be a parent with two children of varying ages between 5 and 10, tending to them after a full day at office and traveling for nearly 3 hours a day. Besides this there would be domestic chores to attend. How much energy would a person have – whether the parent is a mother or father- is hard to estimate? Would they tell stories from Ramayana or Mahabharata or read Tintin comics before the children go to sleep? How much of their day at school would interest them? I realized that I would do much less than what a working parent does today.

Perhaps the issue is not working vs non working mothers. The real issue could be how much of a bonding exists between the children and parents. I have seen fathers substituting for mothers who are sometimes more busy due to the nature of their jobs.

Children need and demand attention. Some times the attention they seek disturb others who see some distortion in relationship without identifying what could be the cause. Whenever I see such distortion, I wonder what would they grow up to be as adults. Do children of working parents demand more attention and carry some level of unfulfilled emotional needs? I don’t know. But I have certainly seen some children seeking more than needed attention.

The bottom line could be that when we bring another human being into this world, as parents we have a responsibility and duty to ensure that the child grows up to be a good human being and be able to contribute to the society in a positive manner. So when our children become adults, we should be perhaps be able meet this standard, at least in our own hearts.

Anjeneyan

Image Source: ANVClicks

Ananth’s blogon influences set me thinking on how the persons around us impact our thinking and behaviour. His blog was on the conscious impact of few persons around him. I felt that the impact on the sub conscious mind by our environment is worth thinking of.

Last year I attended a marriage in Chennai. My aunt (father’s younger sister) exclaimed that “you look like my brother in your present attire” or something to that effect. Instinctively, I felt flattered. Why should I feel so? My father, from the time I remember, looked his age and some more. He was severely short sighted, though tall, was stooping, had very less teeth, dark complexioned, with a furious temper and highly rigid opinion on several aspects of life. His was a hard act to follow.  But still, some of his achievements and decisions make us still look up to him and any resemblance-genetic or otherwise- gives us a sense of inner glow. This however comes with some of the turns and twists life takes and compels us look into the mirror and admit reality at least to ourselves.

In Indian context, the first influence is our parents. The first English alphabets and nursery rhyme was taught to me by my mother whose formal education stopped at primary school. Forty six years back, we had come to Mumbai from a small village in Kerala. We had to adjust to a metro life in a hurry. Learning a foreign language and rhyme (twinkle twinkle little star…) was the first step. I have a sentimental belief that since this was the only subject my mother taught me, I was always good at it.

How did our parents express their love to us or to each other? How many of us remember our parents smiling with a shy love or laughing wickedly over an adult joke said privately to each other? Did they hold each other in their arms and dance the way we saw in the movies of 60s? May be so. Did they do it in our presence? Never.  How did this lack of physical or public expression of love (an Indian trait) impact us? Well, most of us – at least in South India- are uncomfortable with a physical expression of love- even of the platonic variety- in public and may be even in private.

What is the situation today? Very difficult to say.  My belief is that today’s youth are caught between the example set by their parents and the peer pressure. What is the right thing to do? I feel that some amount of display of positive emotions strengthens relationships and establishes some bonding.

Peer pressure or friends or lack of it is the next strongest influence in any life. How would lack of peer pressure or friends influence a person? Like many shy persons, I found it difficult to create an easy going friendship with the group in which I was studying or working (hai-bye relationship). I did exactly what I felt like doing. Some of it succeeded due to several factors- some within and some beyond my control.  But the difficulty in creating an easy going “life of the party” kind of relationship remains.

Peer pressure come most obviously in the “science or commerce” kind of decisions post schooling. Most of such decisions are based not on what the boy or girl wants to do in life post education and how attractive that avenue is. Some years back I had asked my cousin (who is a medical doctor (MBBS)) why is there a craze for medical admission when the returns are not commensurate with the efforts- at least in India. He said that it was due to lack of real understanding of the profession and its pressures. Last week’s news article said that the application for medical admission has fallen significantly while demand for engineering admission has surged.  One classic example is the number of engineers who joined for IT related courses even when it was apparent that many of the industry leaders are from different streams of engineering and such streams offered good long term prospects.

There is a big board I see on the way to office every day. It says “To the world you might be one person; to one person you might be the entire world. So drive carefully.” I feel this poignantly states our relationship with those we love very much- spouse, children, parents, siblings etc. Whenever we wear a new dress, after examining the image on the mirror, we go to our spouse and ask hesitantly ‘do I look handsome?’ A small smile of appreciation, a tart comment makes our day. I say to myself- I certainly look handsome in this shirt. I sometimes think that even Manmohan Singh or Sonia Gandhi must be asking their family members about their appearance before stepping into public gaze. This is only a small example how our spouse and/or family members appreciation matters to each person.  Family support is a great strength of Indian way of life and gives an anchor for our life.

Do parents listen to their children?  Yes, they do; especially when children start growing up and express their opinions.  The external environment has changed and is changing so rapidly that only highly self opinionated parents will disregard the views emanating from their children. If we have to keep communication lines open with them, we have to listen, but not necessarily agree with them and provide an adult feedback. Does this influence us? Yes it does. How does it influence us? Not easy to say. But their love and appreciation of our achievements and forgiveness of our failings matters a lot to us- at least to me.

Lastly religion, religious beliefs, practices, rituals and the whole baggage that comes with it. These are so intensely personal that they are hard to pin down or express in a logical or coherent manner. It matters to us hugely. Even lack of belief in all these things matters hugely.  Here again the dominating influence is our parents. We observe them and then decide consciously or unconsciously as to what we should do.

I have not touched up on the influence of our life in service as that deserves another blog.

So who influenced you? Why don’t you look at your parent and start wondering how they have influenced you?

Balika.....

Sita (name changed) walked in yesterday when my house was full of guests. She swayed in with confidence and  disappeared into the kitchen. My guests turned to me and asked “who is that lady?” They were astonished when I said she was our maid servant. She carries a cell phone (with different caller tunes each week), dresses unlike a service providers of her ilk, oozes confidence externally. Her children go to a private school, attends tuition classes, study reasonably well. She moved to a larger hutment two years back. She has a bank account and some savings in post office.  She also has an insurance policy.

She is also a “Balika Vadhu”- that is married much before she saw her 18^th year. This is in Mumbai and not Rajasthan Surely, these kind of things happen in backward States (BIMARU States), with under educated males lording over more uneducated population. No. I found to my dismay and that of my wife, that even in Mumbai arranged marriages at teenage is not uncommon.  Another instance I saw was of reasonably good looking school going girl, who was suddenly married off  even before reaching matriculation. The change post marriage was  saddening. A confident girl had become cowed down, frightened  and bewildered woman- post a last minute miscarriage.

I am not sure what I state above is the exception or rule as in both the cases the persons were related to each other. But what is clear is that what is shown in a very beautifully bedecked manner in the TV Serial Balika Vadhu telecast in Channel “Colors”, is not some remote event fictionalised for the entertainment of  city folks. It is a reality whose impact is seen and felt- latently or otherwise by all of us.

Why do such things happen? Don’t we all witness growing opportunity around us due to continuous economic growth- simultaneously with grinding poverty.  I believe that at least some portion of the poverty is due to missed opportunities. Let us take some examples.

First is literacy and education. Most states have some minimal schooling facility to give basic literacy. To reach beyond that, the economically and socially backward segment of the population needs initiative and efforts. This initiative is often missing. Female education is the backbone of any society. This is often missing. The difference in several human index parameters  between Kerala and Uttar Pradesh could be due to this factor.

I divide skills into physical and mental skills. It needs more efforts to earn living using physical skills. Moreover, to scale up the ladder, constant improvement of skills is required. My favourite example is carpenter. The skill needed in this profession is apparent. The wages paid for a skilled ‘karigar’ is known to all. But many of us would prefer to be unemployed rather than do such a work. This brings home the point that vocational education is important as education emphasising numerical and literary skills are not meant for all.

Next, the spreading urban lifestyle dictates the need for new types of service providers. Working couple do not have time to cook food. In urban locations it is common for a service provider to come two times a day and cook basic food needed for the family. The rate is based on number of Chapatis and corresponding vegetables and dal to be prepared.

Am I pointing out isolated instances which can at best help only a small portion of the Below Poverty Line population? Perhaps it may be so. But I still believe that there are enough opportunities in India (as compared to a developed country) if mental inhibitions existing at various levels are removed.

Then why do people take a comparative level of poverty for granted. My theory is that India has always been a poor country. The politicians and others have created a myth that India was a land of milk and honey plundered by invaders and lastly by the British.  The poverty of a farmer is glorified. The loss of dignity and suffering a subsistence farmer or a person with similar economic status is rarely mentioned correspondingly.

Next, Indians are lazy and easily contented. What are our working hours as compared to USA ? The offices in USA start at dawn. Most persons are in office there  by 8 am or 8.30 am. The courts in USA start at 9 am. Most routine tasks get done in the expected way. Everything works as per a pre-determined plan. Our life is like the sporadic victories of our cricket team. One victory is enough to quench our thirst for a long time and forgive consecutive defeats.

How many reports have we seen about corruption in private sector? Are people aware that corruption exists in private sector in the same manner as in Government? So it is not that Government employees are corrupt, it is that corruption is in Indian blood- some are corruption positive and some negative.

So why do we see so much poverty? Why does  at least some portion of the economically weaker segment of the society spent money on alcoholic drinks (Sita’s husband is, in my view, an alcoholic  and earns less than Sita due to this additiction) and put in those efforts in improving skills? Why do we still read reports of oppression of Dalits in newspapers? I saw a report today which states that health workers do not touch Dalits. School children belonging to non Dalits have separate marked plates for food. If these are the issues which some portion of our population is concerned, then we deserve to see this poverty and misery.

Will it change? Hard to say…  Today’s world allows only survival of fittest. So would India grow or Pakistan grow? Obviously India as Pakistan is mired in issues irrelevant to their well being. Would India grow faster than China? Well, that deserves another blog.

Image Source: Ananthv

Bringing up children: Part 1: The Journey Begins:
 

Bringing Up Children

Every union should produce results. Progeny is one of the results of marriage- at least an expected result. Every newly married couple face overt or covert questions about their “plans”. Any delay beyond 3 years causes great consternation to the families of the couple first and then finally to the couple. All this creates a psychological need to have a child or children.

The initial clarity during the mating period of waiting for few years, settling in respective careers, purchase of dwelling etc. may have been achieved or could be in process. But now the need for a child becomes supreme. The conception takes place. I have a vague impression that women do have hesitation or some apprehensions about the entire pregnancy and delivery process. Most males disregard these apprehensions and the emotional and psychological coercion is enough for the women to cross this hurdle. The child arrives. Respective in laws troop in with broad smiles and a realisation of being grand parents.

Those who become grand parents before reaching the age of 60, mentally tell themselves that “we are like students who pass CA or IIT Entrance in first attempt while others who still troop to school with their children or run around for admissions to colleges are slow starters. But we are young grandparents. Old age associated with the status of being grandparents is not applicable to us”. Mothers are conferred an almost divine status in India.

One story I heard in justification of this status is something like this. One young student questioned placing mother first in the statement “Mata, pita, guru, deivam.”

The guru who was smart delayed the reply. After a few days, the guru asked the student to take a brick, tie it around his waist and go to the well and fetch water several times. The well was obviously at some distance. After the student got exhausted, the guru informed the student that a pregnant mother carries the child similarly for nine months and hence they get this status.

A typical Indian story which justifies the age old statement. Western civilisation has not placed such exalted status on parents. Probably they are seen as the medium thru which the life is created on the earth and the medium is like a vessel we use for cooking. The food is more important than the vessel. The mother now gets to see the life which was floating around in her belly. She is initially wonder struck. Then the awareness sinks in about her primary responsibility. Feeding a child at 12.30 am or 4 am is not something any human being can get excited about for weeks and months. The excitement of working as an executive in an air conditioned office is more palpable than cleaning a baby who will learn sanitary habits after some years. She wonders “God, why does any one say all this is exciting?”. The situation of Indians who have emigrated to middle east or USA etc. is even more difficult. These countries have strict laws for child care. Some countries insist on full time attendant till one year of age (this is what I understand).

The role of father at this stage is crucial. Few have any prior experience. They are forced to learn by trial and error. Many families erroneously do not educate their sons to be aware of basic domestic chores. So they land up in family life without any knowledge of the drudgery involved in maintaining a house in a nuclear family. I believe that it is at this stage the next foundation of family life is laid. Couple who work together (whether both are employed or only one is employed) and share responsibilities build a stronger edifice of their marriage.

The children watch and instinctively understand how their family lives and adapt accordingly. If the responsibilities get shifted to outside family members like in-laws or servants, then the pattern changes. We see distorted behaviour from the children.  Excessive tantrums, need to seek attention of one or both the parents whenever they are present, inability to mix or be comfortable in a large group are some of the visible external symptoms. I cannot claim any memory of my two children’s early years. It all seems to be a blur now. When I watch my grandson grow, I feel a twinge of regret at not noticing and storing these memories at least in the brain. Cameras were expensive then and so there are few photos of those times.

Now Picasa contains a few hundred or thousand photos of various antics of my grand son. Most mothers would tell you that the first three years of the child are difficult but rewarding. Creation of life and its growth is still one of the greatest wonder in this world. The efforts we put in these early years yield visible results.

The exuberance of the child, its curiosity in exploring the world around it, lack of any fear or knowledge of danger gives the greatest pleasure. One of the memorable photos of my grandson (when he was less than a year) is his smile when he turns around to look at me before trying to pluck the AC plug from the socket. Today’s world does not give any educated person the time or privilege to think on such things.

Success brings its own material rewards and satisfaction. It requires great courage to step aside from such a path to enjoy such pleasures. Children demand lot of emotional attention. Our city life drains out our quota of Emotional Quotient leaving little for our family. This is where the distance with children/family starts building up.

Bringing up Children – Part 2: When do children grow up?

Perhaps when they start asking questions about the life we lead. Children consciously or unconsciously imitate parents in the early stages. At some point they question us- do we have to pray everyday? Do we have to write homework at 7.30 every day?

Cant’ we have the toy or something else his or her friend has? Slowly we have to set the boundaries within which we have to live. How does a parent explain that they cannot afford a particular expense as it is beyond them? I remember such a situation when my daughter asked for legitimate expense and I could not afford it at that time. I do not think I gave a correct answer. There is always a debate between quality time and quantity time devoted to children. In a traditional family, the father went to office to make a living and mother looked after the hearth. So father’s time was quality time. Children’s bondage with father was perhaps limited due to the then prevailing environment. This is evident from some of the movies we see of the 60s and 70s in any Indian language.

Today, with both parents employed in many cases, the distance or closeness could be the same. My belief is that children react well to a relationship where the parents are capable of receiving the confidences of their children. They should trust their parents sufficiently enough to exchange their innermost fears and receive emotional and physical support.

This is more easily said than done. This requires a long period of communication at a seemingly equal level without losing the basic authority as parents. Today’s parents do assist in homework, projects, exams and other burdens of today’s schooling process. Do they gain their children’s confidence in this process is a moot point. I saw one TV Debate program on parent’s involvement in their children post school education- Science or commerce, engineering or medicine and so on.

The program had parents and children on opposite sides of the debate. The vehemence of the children on the negative influence of parents on compelling choice of the education stream was quite an eye opener. The education expert – a college principal- said that we should trust over children with the choice they make and not second guess them. They generally know what they want and we should guide them only when they start expressing their doubts or seek help.

My wife has an interesting view on how teenagers and young adults fall in love. She says that when the children lack emotional support or live in an emotional vacuum in the house, they seek an alternative outside the house. This is how love develops. In many cases, this seems to be true. I have seen children whose parents live in a different era and perhaps are not able to relate to their children’s emotional demands. Parents live in an orthodox yesterday era- where passbooks are reconciled on monthly basis, eating out should be out sheer necessity, new dresses are purchased for birthday,  Deepavali and school re-opening.

Marriage anniversary means visit to the nearby temple and then going to office. For children, Mcdonald is a fashion statement to be made, Coffee Day is THE PLACE to be seen wearing a jeans and latest tops with members of opposite sex. Spending a few hundred rupees on such an outing is normal. Would we have spent the equivalent of Rs 450 for our birthday party (what is party by the way?) say 35 years or 25 years back? I am told this is quite normal today. Cafe Coffee Day is the place for a small birth day party- the Cappucino costs not less than Rs. 30 or Rs. 35 per cup.

It is in such environment that love blossoms. If not love, at least rebellion against the ESTABLISHMENT. Long hair, awful looking half pants or three quarter pants, odd upper garments, skin hugging dresses which give quite the opposite message of the person’s character ( an otherwise timid person may look like today’s starlet in some youth oriented movie).  Is falling in love wrong ? (QSQT with Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla or Jane tu with Imran Khan to quote a more modern example).

No, love is a beautiful emotion without which life is not worth living. But falling in love at the age of 18 or 21 seems premature- especially in Indian context. Everything is a struggle here- unlike abroad. Choice of educational stream, admissions, quality of teaching, post graduate education, employment, choice of city or town or metro for employment, accommodation, transport- basic things in life which are taken for granted abroad, pose insurmountable problems for most young adults. Love seems to be a needless distraction in such an environment.

Take admission for engineering, Medicine or any other such professional courses as an example. Each State has got its own peculiarity. Every year there is some litigation to arrest or mar the admission process at the penultimate stage. There is some Government subsidy for such education, but there is something called private college also. In such an environment, the parent struggles to meet their children’s expectations, their own economic strength or lack of it and matching their children’s marks with that of the demands of the educational institution. In such a situation, when a parent hears about a love affair (of anyone else) then there is genuine astonishment on how does anyone get time or energy to get involved in such activities at such an young age.

Lastly, do children who have become full fledged adults (crossed the age of 25 in my belief) need or expect our influence or emotional help. I think yes. But this line is thin. We cannot aggressively intrude into their emotional territory (“don’t be pakao”), nor can we be in an indifferent stranger’s domain. We need to understand the turmoil going through their brain and heart and respond sensitively. We have ourselves passed thru this stage -perhaps without much parental support. So it is easier to assess their needs and probe gently –like a doctor examining an open or an internal wound. It is not easy as now they are a closed book written in a foreign language (or like prayers we recite in Sanskrit- we understand the meaning in a limited manner).

For eg. what do we tell a married son or daughter about the difficulties we face in a marriage? What do we tell about the screaming babies (see my earlier blog) and feeding them at 2 am in night and the support they can expect from their spouse? I often wonder about this. My feeling is that mothers are more forthright in these things and put the matter in a manner which would put their backs up. There would be grudging acceptance later.

I think it is a lifelong relationship. Children remain children for parents whatever be the age. When I used to come home late from office, my father, who was well into his 80s, would remain awake and pester my wife about when I would come. When I reached home, he would confirm that I have reached and then go to sleep. I could not then understand his anxiety. Today I understand it and want to tell him that I understand the deep love and affection that lay behind his non expressive demeanour. But for that I have to go to another world. Do you agree or disagree? Either way, do respond.

Image Courtesy: AnanthV